I was so sick of turkey after Thanksgiving that I couldn't even stand to look at the pictures.

But enough time has passed now. And I must say, I'm pretty proud of my first turkey.

Her Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard

Daisy and I were playing ball out in the back yard last Sunday morning. I had her tied to the clothesline. We were alternating between the soccer ball and the tennis ball (the soccer ball is tougher for her to get her mouth around, but Daisy finds the way it bounces around simply delightful. And tennis balls are magically delicious...). Just then, I heard a rustling in the leaves off in the distance, and somebody yelling repeatedly. Suddenly a chocolate lab comes running around our neighbor's yard from the side and starts to head right for us.

He comes up to the fence and stops short. He's leaning against the fence, looking for a way to get over into our yard. Seeing he's fairly friendly and doesn't look too aggressive, I lean over the fence and grab him by the collar. I yell out "OVER HERE!" to whoever it is yelling off in the distance.

He sees his owner coming around the corner, then leans back and slips out of his collar. He takes off in the other direction toward the road. Dammit.

The owner finally makes it over to where Daisy and I are standing. I hand him the empty collar. Our fugitive's name is "Mocha". He had been left in the car for the last two hours while owner-guy was at the Quaker meetinghouse. Mocha saw his chance to get away as soon as the car door was opened and he ran for it (apparently, Mocha isn't big on the whole "silent meditation" thing).

Daisy is all kinds of crazy by this point. NEW PEOPLE! OTHER DOGS! SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF! JUMP JUMP JUMP!

I calm her down enough to get the leash back on her and we head out looking for Mocha, with Daisy as the bait. We live on a fairly busy road, so in the back of my mind, I'm hoping Mocha isn't roadkill by the time we find him.

After a few minutes walking up and down the street yelling for him, we see that he has somehow circled back around and is in our back yard again. We head back over to our house, and he meets us in the driveway.

I hang on to Daisy's leash with one hand, then drop down and give him a bear hug and hold on to him tightly. Mocha's owner makes it over and gets the collar and leash back over Mocha's head. But he wouldn't have been going too far at that point. He wasn't going anywhere until he gave Daisy the complete sniffing.

Daisy was exhausted after all that excitement. We headed back inside for a nap. I was glad that she made a new friend, but I don't think Mocha's owner is going to be bringing him to services again anytime soon. Maybe the Lutherans have singles night for dogs...

Konichiwa, bitches!

Now that Matsuzaka-san has been signed, I could totally use some Seibu Lions gear (just in case anyone was looking for a last minute Christmas present for me).

Mark

We spent last weekend in Ogunquit (one of my favorite places within a few hour's drive of here). Mark was our waiter at a relatively nice restaurant Saturday night. He was the aging hippie type. Thin, longish hair, late 40's. Slight southern drawn (maybe South Carolina-ish). He was both waiting on us and tending bar at the same time, although he didn't really seem to have the attention span to be doing both.

When delivering our shrimp cocktail:

Awww man... Those are AWESOME. I ate like 12 of them this morning when I was doing my prep work.

While dropping off Jen's dish (vegetarian ravioli):

Awww man... That's my FAVORITE. I get that all the time here.

It wasn't until we were walking out and I actually looked him right in the eye that I noticed how bloodshot his eyes were. But it totally explained why everything we were ordering sounded so good to him. Whoa.

Dear Honda,

Please bring back the Accord wagon. I promise I would buy one.

Sincerely,

Pat

Stonewall Kitchen

Jen found the company store in York, ME over the weekend.

Wow.

It's worth the trip just for the samples.

I've never been crazy about jam in my whole life. But man... The stuff they had out for sampling was amazing. I ended up buying two jars.

I highly recommend the red raspberry and wild Maine blueberry.

There's no chemical or processed taste to this stuff. Just an amazing real fruit taste that pops in your mouth. I couldn't stop babbling about it all afternoon. I'm sure I drove Jen crazy.

What? WHAT?!

We're out of pie?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Snow Nose



Daisy is getting her "snow nose". The noses of some lighter colored breeds change from black to pink in the winter as the days get shorter. It's kinda funny.

My butter has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina. They don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick or his rod or his Johnson.

Camping Pictures

You like pictures? I know I do.

Eventually I'll do a write up for this trip, but in the meantime, enjoy some pictures from this year's trip to Allegany State Park.

Daisy Report

I do a lot of walking with our dog. We try do to *at least* an hour a day (1/2 hour in the morning, 1/2 hour at night). If Daisy doesn't get her walk in, she tends to get a little cranky. Or destructive. Or both. It's not pretty.

Sometimes, Daisy's Mom comes with us in the evening. Sometimes, the evening walk turns into the evening run (depending on the weather and how I'm feeling). Unless you've been running with a 60 pound dog in one hand and a bag of fresh poop in the other hand, you're not really getting the full cardiovascular benefits of the experience.

The evening walk is now more of a challenge than ever. It's dark out by the time I leave work. Daylight Savings Time hasn't been kind to us. We've got the reflective gear. We've got the blinky LED thing. But I'm still nervous about the cars at night. We've got a few areas by us with lousy sidewalks. And it's tough to see where the sidewalk ends and the road begins when it's dark out and everything is covered with leaves. Plus picking up a Daisy dumpling in the dark with cars whizzing by two feet from my head is a real challenge.

So, with all this bitching, is it all worth it? Yeah, it really is. Aside from feeling better and dropping my cholesterol by 50 points, spending all this time with the dog is a tremendous emotional boost. It's tough to feel too stressed or blue when there's a big yellow fur ball lookin' for some luvin'. Don't get me wrong... There are times when I want to kill her... But she's definitely part of the family now. And I'm 100% positive I wouldn't be out there walking everyday if it wasn't for her.

"Updating your computer is almost complete. You must restart your computer for the updates to take effect. Do you want to restart your computer now?"

No, not really.


START --> RUN -->

net stop wuauserv

Back to School

Before last Saturday morning, it had been 10 months since I last went to a karate class. I'm a little nervous as I pull into the parking lot. My ears feel red and hot. Will I see anyone I recognize? Will I remember what I'm supposed to do? I don't want to look lost out there. Maybe I should just turn around and head home. While I busted my ass to get my black belt, in the year since I've gotten it, I've pretty much been the worst black belt ever.

I step in through the door, and it all comes flooding back to me. The familiar scent of Febreze and sweat fills my nostrils. I find a quiet spot in the corner and start stretching out.

I get out my belt and tie it on. That feels nice. I've missed that. A few people come over and say hello. They want to know where I've been and what I've been up to. I start to feel a little more relaxed. It's good to be back.

Class begins and I feel slightly panicky again. We get through stretching and warm ups and I'm already a little sore (I REALLY need to start stretching again).

We move on to kata, and I realize I can't rely on "muscle memory" like I used to when I was taking 3 - 4 classes a week. I really have to think hard about what I'm about to do next (and occasionally take a peak out of the corner of my eye to see what everyone else is doing).

We finish up class with punching. Jab, cross. Jab, cross. Jab, cross. As hard and as fast as you can go. Then switch sides. That gets the adrenaline going. Damn. What a rush. (Although my shoulders would still be sore 2 days later.)

I miss my school, but it's almost 40 miles from where we ended up buying a house. I can't make it down there 2 - 3 times a week. And it's not like I haven't tried to find something local. I went and sat in on a kenpo class close to wear I live. But A) it's SO different that what I'm used to, and B) it's going to be almost impossible to recreate the sense of community right away that I felt with my old school after 4 plus years of going there (and, C) the place was little ghetto...)

I then end, I'm really glad I went. I haven't been able to find the feeling I get from karate anyplace else. I'm not going to wait this long before going back next time.

My New Favorite Drink

Four parts egg nog, one part Kahlua. Sprinkle in a little nutmeg (optional).

I don't know what you call it, but it tastes like Christmas.

This year's waffle party invite:



Waffles in '06

We recently received this bit of literature from one of our opponents, implying that Waffles weren't capable of being leaders. Rather than run on their own record, they've resorted to character assassination and negative ads. We here at Waffle Campaign Headquarters don't want you to think we're taking these baseless attacks without a fight.

Waffles are ready for a leadership role. It's time for a change. We want you to be a part of this historic transformation. This November, vote for the only party that actually deserves your vote:

The Waffle Party.


A vote for Waffles means a waffle for you.

(Paid for by the National Committee to Elect Waffles.)


*** Waffle Campaign '06 has picked up endorsements from the New England Maple Syrup Grower's Association, the Home Fries Local 194, and Butter. ***

Every day is a new adventure...

Today on our morning walk, Daisy discovered "frozen puddles". There was a large puddle with a thin sheet of ice on it.

She stepped on it with her front paws, then broke through. Water came gushing out around her toes. THAT was exciting. She started jumping and sniffing all over the place.

I felt bad having to drag her away, but otherwise we would have been there all day. I definitely enjoy watching her make new discoveries. It's fun to be a part of.

I can't wait for the first snowfall.

Will somebody please explain the concept of Daylight Savings Time to my dog?

Ugh.

Right where the pins were...

My finger scar is starting to hurt.

Either it's going to rain, or Lord Voldemort is near. 

Waffle Party

Every November for the last six years, I've sent out the call to a very select group for a gathering of like minded individuals. It's sorta like "Highlander." Only instead of cutting each other's heads off with swords, we eat waffles. For dinner.

Here's last year's invitation:

[cue music]

It is a dark time for the Waffle Rebellion. Although the burnt edges have been destroyed, hungry troops have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy. Evading the dreaded waffle shortage, a group of freedom fighters led by Pat Skywalker has established a new secret base on the remote ice world of Quonset.

Join us for...


Waffle Party V: The Waffles Strike Back.

(If you only knew the power of the Waffle Iron...)

Saturday, November 12, 2005
Arrive around 6:00pm. Waffles by 7:30pm.

Breakfast accoutrements and beer will be supplied.

Your knives and forks, you will not need them.


"There is no escape. Don't make [us] destroy you."

-- Pat Skywalker and Jen Solo

Calm Submissive

There's this little antique and farmstand place right up the road from us. We've been there a few times now. They have the 2 of the laziest Golden Retrievers I've ever seen.

They sit right in the middle of the floor. And it's a small store, so there's not much room to go around them. I'll walk over them and they won't even move. They look up when you first walk in to see if they know you. If not, they put their heads right back down on the ground.

They will let you come over and pet them. The tails will move a little bit. But then it's right back to perfect stillness. If you couldn't see them breathing, you would think they were stuffed dogs.

As much as I love Daisy's puppy energy, there's a small part of me that's looking forward to a time when she slows down a little bit. I'm not saying I want her to sit there all day and not move, but I'd like to be able to have her out of her crate and be able to sit still for 30 seconds.

In other words, I'm looking forward to more moments like this:

Labrador Retrievers: Nature's Spastic Little Miracles.

Grown-up furniture is expensive.

Damn.

Crate Training

Sometimes I feel bad about leaving Daisy in her crate when we go out.

But then I hear stories like this one from a co-worker, whose dog ate a whole tube of toothpaste while she was gone (including the tube).

Then puked it back up in front of her

And I feel much better.

We're doing the right thing.

(Also, the cap is still missing... )

Safety tip: Always adjust your mirrors before getting on the road. You shouldn't have to turn all the way around before merging.

Bermuda



(Editorial note - I wrote this about a year ago and never posted it... Whoa.)

Wanna hear about Pat and Jen's honeymoon? Too bad. You're going to hear about it anyway.

After running around like crazy people for the week leading up to the wedding, we slowed things way down. We took our time getting back from Buffalo. Unfortunately, the radio fuse in the car blew out on the ride home. We had a four-hour drive with no music. But this gave us a good chance to decompress and review everything we had just been through.

"Wow... We really pulled it off."

"Yeah."

After a short stay at home, we were off again. We had no problems getting to Bermuda. It's a short flight (definitely a priority for me). We checked into our hotel on Wednesday afternoon. Always join whatever "rewards club" your hotel offers. Will I pimp out my email address and household income information for a free upgrade to the ocean view room? Absolutely.

The locals couldn't have been friendlier.

"Welcome to paradise!"

"Thanks."

"Is this your first time here?"

"Yup."

"Well, what took you so long?" he asked, in mock disgust.

This seemed to be the standard greeting to the newbies, as we heard it a few other times from the locals during the week. However, some of the locals didn't go along with the "mock disgust" thing and seemed to be actually disgusted that we hadn't been to Bermuda before now. Even still, everybody was super friendly. And we had great service all week.

I now know they tell you to take a long vacation after your wedding. We needed it. We were exhausted. The schedule for week went something like this: wake up around 9:30 for a nice breakfast (Ooh! Pineapple juice!). Grab a quick shower. Then spend a little time shopping or on the beach. Maybe a light lunch. Drink. Back to the room for naps. Then dinner and drinks. Sleep for 10 hours. Repeat. We did do some sightseeing. But Bermuda is more about taking your time and relaxing.

Bermuda is expensive ($9 for a can of cashews?! Yikes!). All this beauty isn't cheap. But you get a lot for your money. Example: I initially balked at the $35 per person all you can eat "BBQ Night" at the hotel. There's no way I could eat $35 worth of hamburgers and hotdogs. But in Bermuda, "BBQ Night" translates to grilled steaks, the best salmon I've ever eaten, scallops the size of your fist, and shrimps the size of bananas (oh, and they had hamburgers and hotdogs, too). The food was pretty much AMAZING all week long (and be sure to try the rum cakes). We had a sushi restaurant right on site at the hotel. We had British style Sunday brunch at the pub across the street. We even found a place in Hamilton that had decent coffee. We ate good.

The highlight of modern civilization has to be the swim up bar at the hotel pool. No money on you? That's OK. Just give us your room number. There was a lot of drinking. I never really got *loaded*, but I would say I was "lightly toasted" for a good chunk of the week. It's nice when you don't have to drive anywhere. I also liked the challenge the bartender and keep things interesting for him. What can you make for me today with pineapple in it? Sounds good. I'll have that. The "Dark and Stormy" is the local drink of choice (ginger beer with dark rum - and no, "ginger beer" isn't "beer"). Yummy. We had more than a few of those during our trip, especially when we discovered we could make them much cheaper by ourselves in the hotel room.

I'm not used to wearing jewelry, so it took me some time to get used to wearing the wedding ring. The only time I took my ring off was to go snorkeling. I figured it was better to take it off and know where it was than to risk losing it. Snorkeling was pretty cool, but it took me a while to figure out what the hell I was doing. And you can't help but panic a little bit when you get that first mouthful. But I would definitely do it again (and maybe go out a little further next time). I loved sitting in one spot for a while and just letting the fish swim by me. Bermuda has some of the clearest water in the world. Most excellent.

Now, it's one thing to sit around in your bathing suit and drink and lounge by the beach all day. But when you leave the hotel grounds and go back into civilization in Bermuda, make sure you're dressed up (it was a little too easy to play "Spot the Americans" while dining out). Most places are very formal (especially in the evenings). It was not uncommon to see men in shirts, ties and jackets even on hot days (paired with Bermuda shorts, of course). Playing dressup while going out for the evening was actually kinda fun.

We can't wait to go back to Bermuda. How soon is too soon for a "second honeymoon"? And shouldn't someone be offering me a drink right now?

Detroit: From far away, it's not so bad.

Today's Birthdays

Happy Birthday to national treasure Bill Murray.

P.S. Please make up with Harold Ramis.

Trendwatch: Back to School Edition


Out: empty parking spots

In: parking in the fire lanes

Out: safe driving

In: driving while talking on the phone, sipping an ice coffee and smoking

Out: pajama pants as daytime clothing

In: 3/4th length swooshy pants (thumbs down) and ripped jeans (thumbs up)

We met Dudley on Saturday. He lives right down the road from us.

He seemed pretty cool.

I like this one.

I may start selling these as desktop backgrounds.

I told you that bitch crazy...


Our dog is strange.

Where other dogs I've had tend to spit out pills (even if you wrap them up in treats), this dog eats them straight up. Chews them down willingly. At first we were putting them in her mouth and holding it shut until she swallowed, but we soon discovered there was really no need. She'll eat anything.

She also doesn't bark. I know she's CAPABLE of barking because she'll do it in her sleep once in a while. But she doesn't bark at other dogs or cats while we're out walking. She's somewhat interested in birds, but never barks at them. When the neighbor's dogs (all three of them) are barking their heads off, she's mostly disinterested. She doesn't even bark at the vacuum cleaner.

She doesn't seem to grow proportionally. She's growing fast (she was up to 37 pounds last week), but some parts seem to be growing faster than others. Last week, her feet grew. This week, her tail doubled in size. Weird stuff.

She's also started doing things that, while I don't want to encourage, I'm certainly impressed with on some level. After having a few indoor baths, she now realizes that water comes out of the tub. When her water dish is empty, she picks it up and brings it into the bathroom (and actually jumps into the tub with it) (this one isn't so much "strange" as it is "interesting"). God help us if she figures out how to turn on the water...

Occasionally, I still take pictures without my dog in the them.

Fashion Corner


Dear Fellow IT Workers,

You cannot pull off the "khakis and sneakers" look. This does not look good on anyone.

Sincerely,

Pat

Dear Tim Hortons,

Please come to my town. If you opened a new store here, I promise I would go at least twice a week.

Sincerely,

Pat

Picture Pages

The "camera phone full of pictures" has officially replaced the wallet of pictures.

At a wedding a few weeks back, we spent 10 minutes exchanging yellow lab photos with another couple.

I'm having a big head day!

58 Brats

I watched this over the weekend (Kobayashi sets brat-eating record). Unbelievable.

I ate two brats one time. I thought I was going to be sick.

My next bumper sticker:

So Glad I Have a Fixed Rate Mortgage.

Under Pressure

We cleaned up the house a little bit this weekend. Looks good.

Before:



After:

Magic 8 Ball, will Samuel L. Jackson be able to handle the motherfucking snakes on the motherfucking plane?

IT IS CERTAIN.

Customer Relations

Yes, I'll take a free replacement for my burned out aquarium hood. Thank you very much.

Sox Talk

After reading "Forget the future, the time is now" in the Boston Herald by whiney bitch Tony Massarotti, I was motivated to write the following:


"What Has Santa Claus Done for ME Lately?"

(or: "What the Fuck is my Problem?")

by Tony Massarotti

Santa used to bring me toys all the time when I was a kid. Now it seems like there's nothing under the tree. My mom said I have to wait for *Christmas* for Santa to come. Can you believe that? That's like four months away.

My mom says Santa has a long term plan for me. Sure, I've got a whole room full of other toys, but I've already played with all of them. Meanwhile, it's summer NOW, and I want some new toys!

And what's with having to go to the mall and sit on Santa's lap and tell him whether or not we were good? Shouldn't he just *know* if we've been good? All the other kids look up with glazed eyes and a stupid smile, "Yes, Santa. I've been very good this year."

And seriously... what's my problem? Why am I so angry? Don't my parents love me? Did the girls on the playground tell me I have cooties? Am I just angry my testicles haven't dropped yet?

If I don't get some presents right now, I'm going to throw a fit right here. Or maybe I'll just shut up if you buy me a cookie.

*****


(Needless to say, I disagree with his arguments...)

I sent it to the Herald, but I can't imagine they'll do anything with it.

But I feel better.

After a walk, Daisy's tongue seems to extend to four times its normal length.

She can't fit it back in her head.

I'm kinda embarrassed for her.

Mmmm... Camping pictures!

We're hoping for an invite to Beijing in 2008...

New Summer Olympic event - the one handed puppy poop pickup (while holding off the puppy with the other hand).

Points awarded based on style, time to finish, and poop consistency. Participants must show proficiency in all three surface areas: grass, concrete and sand.

Blinker Used

Rhode Island State Police are currently investigating recent reports a turn signal, or "blinker," was used to indicate the intention to change lanes on Interstate 95 South through Providence this morning.

If initial reports are correct, this marks the first recorded instance of the use of a turn signal in the Providence area since retiree Henry Gentile of Cranston left his blinker on accidentally for 6 miles in January of 1983 while on a trip to the liquor store.

More information as it becomes available.

Good Eats

I've been a total slut for the Food Network lately.

I'll watch anything that looks like a "travel and food" show, or anything with Alton Brown.

Documenting "The Fattening"

Front view:




Rear view (whoa):

I'm not usually a big fan of re-posting somebody else's comedy, but this one killed me:

Whoa...

I'm not usually one to complain about feeling old... It's pointless, and nobody wants to hear it anyway.

But driving around campus last week and seeing the "Welcome Class of 2010" signs did make me feel a little old.

Yikes.

Scooby

"Oh! What a cute puppy!"

"Thanks."

"How old is she?"

"About 12 weeks."

"Wow... And she's already that big? She's bigger than Scooby was at that age."

"Who's Scooby?"

Then she went in the house and let Scooby out. All 105 pounds of him.

"Are you sure Scooby is just a lab?" (You don't think he might be half lab, half clydesdale?)

"Nope. That's what the breeder said."

"Whoa."

Growth Stocks

We finally had the right combination of "good weather" and "free time" to do some gardening this weekend.

Today, we had our first signs of new growth.

We've got pumpkins!

And marigolds!

No sign of the sunflowers yet.

Coffee Time

My coffee order of preference breaks down like this:

home brew
Starbucks
local bakery
Tim Horton's
Dunkin Donuts
gas station coffee
Honey Dew
wet dirt
Krispy Kreme

Tim Horton's usually has excellent, friendly service. But the Smith Street Tim Horton's in North Providence continues to set the bar for dumbest employees. I had to repeat everything three times one morning last week.

"Could I get a medium hot french vanilla with just cream and a toasted honey wheat bagel to go?"

"You want an iced coffee?"

"No, hot."

"And that was a hazelnut?"

"No, french vanilla."

"For here?"

"No, to go actually."

'Kevin' was also a mouth breather and paused for about 30 seconds between each question.

He DID know that he was getting off at noon though. That he was sure of.

Daisy came to work with me today. I had her do some filing.




She was well behaved, but she wasn't really that helpful.

I went to Fenway on Tuesday night. It was the best game I ever saw in person.

On a beautiful night for baseball, I saw:

A reunion of the '86 Red Sox team before the game.

Two home runs hit by the good guys.

Manny throw a guy out at the plate.

A woman two rows in front of me pass out.

One of our most promising young arms pitch well in a game that felt much closer than it actually was.

A two minute standing ovation for Pedro between innings. When he popped his head out of the dugout for a wave, I got a little goose bumpy.

For those of you not originally from the New England area, here's everything you need to know about New Hampshire.

I'm going for my master's degree in grilling.

These kabobs came out awesome.

This Settles It...

Season 4 was the definitive season for Jack Bauer kills:


Bauer Count


(plus "Knife to the Spine" gets the nod for best way to kill a bad guy...)

One of the guys at work brought his 4 year-old in for the afternoon. I took a 5 minute break from work for to play ball with him in the hallway.

Now, the dad is a big Yankees fan. Overrated Yankees third basemen (and known purse-wearer) Alex Rodriguez had made two errors the night before.

So I tell the kid, "Say 'Dad, watch this! Just like A-Rod.'"

Then I bounce the ball over his head.

I'm still laughing at that one.

It's not a Sprint, it's a Marathon...

We went to a wedding in Marathon, NY a few weeks back (population 1107 - there's easily more cows than people). While unpacking the car Friday night after checking in to the hotel, I realized I had forgotten the shoes I was going to wear to the wedding. All I had with me for shoes was the stinky sneakers I had been wearing for the whole drive. The wedding wasn't until one o'clock Saturday afternoon. I figured we'd try to find something in the morning.

Now, at home, running out and picking up a pair of shoes on short notice is no big deal. Within 15 minutes of where I live, there are literally hundreds of shopping options (and three different Targets). In the middle of Central New York, it could be 45 minute drive to the nearest thing approaching a town. In many of these little farming villages, there isn't even anything that's been built within the last 50 years other than the gas station (and maybe a drug store). Large commercial shopping centers are few and far between. After that, it's just hills, cows and wide open spaces.

We were lucky enough to find a small men's clothing store that carried shoes in the town we were staying in, which lead to the following exchange:


"Where are you people from?"

"Rhode Island."

"Long Island?"

"No. RHODE Island."

"Rutland, Vermont?"

"No no. RHODE. ISLAND. The state."

(Thus further proving my theory that native Rhode Islanders never leave Rhode Island...)

We bought the shoes and moved along. We made it to the wedding with plenty of time to spare.
When I saw the group gathered outside the door drinking and smoking, I suddenly realized that it was not the kind of wedding crowd that I was used to. It was more of the cowboy hats and Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirt crowd. The only collared shirts being worn were the plaid flannel kind.

Now, I'm not judging these people... It's just different from what I'm used to. Would anyone have noticed if I had worn my sneakers? Probably not. But I felt a little more comfortable (and I got a new pair of waterproof shoes out of the weekend).

Next time, I'll remember my shoes... and my cowboy hat...

Two Good Reasons...

Reason #136 why I love my current job:

In a quick break between the downpours last week, I took a walk around campus and stopped at the student art gallery. It's a small room, with maybe 12 paintings and 8 pictures and few sculptures here and there. Nothing great... All very "art student" type stuff. But just having something like this within walking distance is incredibly cool. It's a nice way to kill 15 minutes.


Reason #137:

Free stuff!

Pat's New Gym Bag: Now with 98% less stank.

Pictures from Marathon and Cortland, NY.

From the makers of "Pancake Away"...

This summer, don't be plagued by dangerous waffle bites. Use "Waffle Off".

It's great for hiking and camping.

It's safe for the kids, and even repels disease carrying Belgian Waffles!

Dear guy down the other end of the gym shower cleaning his dong for the last 8 minutes,

Dude, it's not going to get any cleaner than that. Seriously.

Sincerely,

Pat

Coyotes

I saw a coyote in the back yard last week.

Needless to say, I was a little scared.

It was right around dusk. I was tossing some dead branches down the hill in the back yard. It saw me before I saw it.

I heard leaves rustling and I looked up. It was already taking off. All I saw was the head and tail, but it was no more than 20 feet away from me. It looked like a tan husky.

I back peddled a few steps then turned and ran. No use in hanging out to see if he was coming back.

So we get coyotes in the area. Good to know.

I am Patrick, son of Joseph, Mower of Lawns.

I just mowed our lawn for the first time (well, the front yard at least).

It felt pretty good.

I'm sure I'll be sick of this in another six weeks or so.

But for right now, I'm definitely feeling that "pride of ownership" thing.

(Editorial note - I came in and did a load of laundry after. Don't want to get too manly...)

Now more than ever...

No exercise + still eating the same amount = Pat Plus!

Heavy wet leaves suck.

"I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO!"

We've been in the new house for a little over three weeks. I'm glad we bought a house that's in "move in" condition, because there's still a lot that needs to get done. The little stuff adds up.

My new theory on home ownership is that you're never really done with more than 5% of the stuff that needs to get done around the house at any given time. For every project you finish, there's still 19 more waiting for you.

My latest project has been installing a toilet paper holder in the bathroom (I have no idea what the previous owners did with their tp). It shouldn't be a big deal, right? Just drill two holes, pop the anchors in, and snap on the arm. Well, as it turns out, the previous owners installed some kind of industrial grade wall tiles in the bathroom (we have invited a team of scientists over to study this material and see if it can be used to insulate the space shuttle or reinforce missile bunkers). So what should be a quickie project suddenly becomes a 4-day test of will and strength. It's taken a trip to Lowe's, 2 trips to Home Depot, 2 dead masonry bits, six or seven fully charged drill battery cycles, and many, many hours. And I'm proud to say, we now have a toilet paper holder mounted on the wall.

However, while screwing around the bathroom for the last 4 days, several other projects piled up... There's very little time for the new homeowner to bask in the glory of a job well done. There will always be that other 95% of the project list to get to.

And while this project probably won't add anything to our resale value, the toilet paper holder is truly the mark of any civilized household.

Snakes

Only 119 days until "Snakes on a Plane".

Restroom? What restroom? We don't even know what a restroom is. And even if we had one, you couldn't use it.

Gold Bond Medicated Powder: For that "fresh balls" feeling all day long.

The first mortgage payment is in the mail.

Only 359 left to go.

Wheeeee!

"America's Most Challenging Cities to Navigate" - Look who made the top 10!


Top 10 Most Difficult Cities to Navigate

1. Boston, MA
2. Washington, DC
3. San Francisco, CA
4. Baltimore, MD
5. New York, NY-Northeastern NJ
6. Ft. Lauderdale-Hollywood-Pompano Beach, FL
7. Los Angeles, CA
8. Seattle-Everett, WA
9. Providence, Pawtucket RI-MA
10. Norfolk-Newport News-Virginia Beach, VA


(I firmly believe there's a special place in hell reserved for the person who designed the 146 - 95 - 195 exchange.)

You know what sucks about moving?

Everything.

Movin' Out.

The move is done (well, the big stuff anyway).

I'm never moving again.

If I do, I'm throwing out all my stuff first.

OK, no, not really.

But I'm definitely not eager to do this again any time soon. It was supposed to be in the 50s today with a chance of rain today. Instead, we had 38 degrees and rain that turned into hail. Hail! What the hell is that shit?

I also managed to drive the 24 foot U-Haul without killing anyone or taking out the neighbor's fence. So I consider that a big success.

Our friends were amazing. We couldn't have done it without them. Everyone who helped out today is getting a big ass canned ham.

I've named this pimple "Closing Costs".

Trend Watch: Campus Edition

(or: Things I noticed today on my walk.)

tight jeans: in

tank tops: in

skirts: out

those stupid 3/4 length pants: in

hippie music dudes: out
(nobody wanted to hang out with any of the guys playing guitar under the tree today... Even the guy playing the tuba was off by himself (yes, there was really a guy sitting by himself playing the tuba...)).

driving around with your windows down and your stereo up as loud as it can go: in

most disturbing trend: one ear on the cell phone, the other ear on the iPod

Closing = Tomorrow.


I've got a cashier's check for the house closing tomorrow.

I asked them to do one of those giant, 4-foot lottery winner sized checks, but they told me the machine was broken.

This is why no one takes you seriously, Connecticut:

"Crazy Cat Terrorizes Connecticut Town"

I'm glad I'm secure enough in my sexuality to enjoy the benefits of a daily moisturizing routine.

The purging.

There's been a great purge at the Canole house in anticipation of moving. Anything that I haven't looked at in the last three years has been tossed out. We've shredded five trash bags worth of old documents (up until last week, I had tax returns dating back to 1994 and every check I had ever written). We've made three trips to the Salvation Army. And countless trips to the dumpster.

While the whole packing process has been somewhat stressful, I must say it feels good knowing we won't be moving all that extra crap that was just taking up space.

Basement, garage, shed.
I call thee Patopia.
King of all these lands.

Our stuff in boxes.
No room for us to walk here.
Now it's time to move.

Big Love

Thanks, HBO. We really didn't need to see Bill Paxton's naked ass three weeks in a row. We appreciate the break.

Fun fact.

A new study has shown that rolling up your sleeves and staring at yourself in the mirror for two minutes before you work out actually promotes muscle growth an extra 10%. However, the effects seem to be limited to just the biceps.

Researchers are still investigating the effects of your spotter yelling "C'MON! TWO MORE!" while you bench press.

The finger.

The cast is off. The pins are out. I've been going to "hand therapy" twice a week (I still can't say "hand therapy" without giggling...).

Now I have to learn to reuse my hand again. Therapy is hard. Much harder than I thought it would be.

However, it's awfully nice to be able to shower without a plastic bag on. So I've got that going for me.

Did you know?

Did you know that The Home Depot carries over 400 different shades of "off white" paint?

And that the differences are only perceptible by the human female?

patnormous (pat.nor.mous) adj. :

1). Great in size or girth from being unable to exercise due to an inordinate number of injuries.

2). Out of shape.

"I was going to go out for lunch today, but I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I'm starting to get patnormous, so I'm going for a walk instead."

Did you see that? That bitch cut me off!

I've checked with a few friends, and it seems to be legit, but as someone about to buy their first house, I still say "Title Insurance" sounds made up.

Cast Party

I got the cast off for about ten minutes on Tuesday. They took an x-ray, said everything looked really good and that we were coming along nicely, then put another cast right back on me. I was furious.

One more week. Grrrr.

Two more quick finger stories.

The night before surgery, I wrote "NO" on my left hand. But Jen made me clean it off. Maybe she was afraid they would see it upside down and think they were supposed operate "ON" my left hand.

The cast has also been incredibly hot and itchy. I can't seem to get a good scratch going. I've tried my fingers... pens... everything. The one thing I've found that provides some satisfaction is driving around with my hand out the moon roof. Ahhh... Sweet relief.

The first pics for "Stuff on My Pat":

New cast.

What's on my head?

Dear Netflix,

We should get together sometime. I think we'd get along just fine.

Sincerely,

Porn

The Badlands of Southern New England.

You are traveling across the swampy tundra of Southern New England during the middle of a brutal cold snap. You have managed to find dry shelter for the night, but your supplies are running low. It is in the low teens outside (even colder with the 30 mile per hour winds) with no relief in sight. Do you stay inside and ride out the cold weather? Or do you venture outside to find provisions?

Stay inside - turn to page 28.

Venture out - turn to page 47.

love story.

"We can't see each other anymore. Not like this."

"Why? Does your wife know?"

"No. But I think she suspects. She says I've been acting 'differently' lately. 'Distracted.'"

"I see. Did I do something wrong?"

"No. It's not you. You've been great. But I have to break things off... Sooner, rather than later."

"Oh well. We both knew it would end someday."

"I'll always love you, Vicodin."

Your results:
You are Will Riker

Will Riker 80% James T. Kirk (Captain) 60% Jean-Luc Picard 55% Chekov 55% Spock 50% Geordi LaForge 50% Worf 50% Deanna Troi 50% Uhura 45% Beverly Crusher 40% Data 36% Mr. Scott 35% Mr. Sulu 35% An Expendable Character (Redshirt) 30% Leonard McCoy (Bones) 20%

At times you are self-centered but you have many friends. You love many women, but the right woman could get you to settle down.

Click here to take the Star Trek Personality Quiz

Productivity.

Too bad I currently have the attention span of someone with a very short attention span, otherwise I could get some writing done.

Also, I can't use my right hand.

Best of 2005.

Here's the track listing for the "Best of 2005" CD. I'm pretty pleased with the way it turned out.

1.Sigur Rós....Glósóli
2.Spoon....I Turn My Camera On
3.The White Stripes....Blue Orchid
4.The New Pornographers....Twin Cinema
5.A Band Of Bees....Chicken Payback
6.Beck....E-Pro
7.The New Pornographers....These Are The Fables
8.Death Cab For Cutie....Marching Bands of Manhattan
9.Stephen Malkmus....Baby C'mon
10.Nada Surf....Blankest Year
11....And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead.... Worlds Apart
12.Lou Barlow....If I Could
13.The Mountain Goats....Dance Music
14.Ben Folds....Landed
15.The Go! Team....Get It Together
16.The New Pornographers....The Bleeding Heart Show
17.Sufjan Stevens....Chicago
18.Feist....Mushaboom
19.The Go! Team....Ladyflash



Looking forward to 2006, I think Arctic Monkeys are going to be huge.

Magic 8-Ball, will I be going to work tomorrow?

Don't count on it.

Pull my finger...


I ended up getting two pins put in it.

It hurts. A lot.

It feels like I'm being crushed and stretched at the same time.

My whole hand is wrapped up. I'm going to be left handed for the next several weeks.

I also have to wear this thing that looks like some kind of foam cat condo when I'm sitting or sleeping.

But you know me... I can't complain.


(additional photography by J. Canole)

So much for my hand modeling career...

I broke the middle finger on my right hand playing basketball last week.

After a week of tests and consultations, I'm getting a pin put in my finger tomorrow.

There will be lots of Vicodin this weekend.

Next week, I'm getting fitted for my bubble so I never injure myself again.

There was a blood drive on campus last week. I gave.

Even though they already had me in their system, there was all kinds of paperwork to fill out. Once I had promised that I had never had sex with a monkey for drugs or money, I moved on to the interview.


Nurse: Are you here between classes? That's nice.

Me: No, I work here.

(Ahhh... My own little "On Staff!" moment.)


Seriously... It was almost ALL college girls giving blood. The only men there were my age or older (I guess dudes don't have time for giving blood).

The girl in front me was having a tough time after she finished up. She almost passed out as she was sitting with her cookies. She said she had done this six times before and never had a problem (she looked to be all of a hundred pounds... Not sure how they even let her give blood). She proceeded to beat herself up for a good 10 minutes. I made her laugh at the whole situation, and reminded her that it was lunch time and she was probably just hungry. She seemed to buy that.

Me to Nurse (on my way out): Hey, do I look pale?

Nurse: No.

Me: Then that's odd... Because I NORMALLY look fairly pale.


So, in exchange for a pint of my A+, I got a coupon for a pound of Dunkin' Donuts coffee and a few packages of cookies. Not a bad deal.

Pat the Pirate

Arrrrrgh. It be too hot in me office. I be sweating me balls off.

Beefs.

I'm about 1 more mad cow scare away from never eating beef again, but man do I love me some beef and broccoli.

Humility.

Humility is being a liberal democrat, looking at our current President, and saying to yourself, "Man, we couldn't beat that guy?!"

Welcome to the Boston Red Sox Virtual Waiting Room!

IF YOU'RE READING THIS MESSAGE RIGHT NOW,YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT GETTING ANY TICKETS.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE.

A text message discussion of the '24' season premere.

All messages take place in real time.


opening scene

P: PRESIDENT PALMER HAS BEEN SHOT!

M: It's a great loss for the nation.

P: He was letting himself go. He looked about 20lbs heavier.

M: Probably why he couldn't dodge the bullet.


Mrs. Logan - crazy first lady who seems to be off her medication

P: Never marry a crazy woman.

M: That's all behind me. And Mrs. Logan is taken.

P: President Logan looks like Nixon.

M: True. I don't trust him.


inexplicable "Previously on '24'" right between the 1st and 2nd episode

P: ...In case you forgot the last hour.


while Jack tries to infiltrate a crime scene

P: "Relax... He's really good at this."

M: I like his BluBlockers.

P: Awesome.


Jack and Wayne Palmer share a cry over President Palmer's death

P: There's a lot of man tears in this episode.

M: Strong men also cry, sir.


while Chloe busts out of the "tightly secured" garage

M: Ford Aerostar. The getaway minivan of choice.

P: '94 was their best year.


as the credits role

P: Not a bad episode. I give it a "B".

M: I concur. Same time tomorrow?

P: Absolutely. G'night.

M: G'night.

Alan Shawn Feinstein had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. He took me to his house and told me his secret.

"I am not Alan Shawn Feinstein," he said. "My name is Ryan; I inherited this foundation from the previous Alan Shawn Feinstein, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from is not the real Alan Shawn Feinstein either. His name was Cummerbund. The real Alan Shawn Feinstein has been retired 15 years and living like a king in Patagonia."

Then he explained the name was the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear...

Mixing it up.

For years, I've wanted to get a dog as soon as we buy a house. I've always assumed I was going to get a labrador retriever (either black or yellow).

After looking at a lot of houses lately, I'm realizing that we might need to get a smaller house. In anticipation of that, I've been scouting out smaller breeds (or mixes).

So far, I like buggs and peagles.

The Naked Truth

This kind of investigative journalism represents everything that is right about America.

To: K. Martin

From: D. Cheney

RE: Update of Seven Dirty Words

Kevin - how's it going? Listen, it's time to update the old "seven dirty words" list. The following words and phrases should not be allowed on the air under any circumstances: "NARAL", "Schiavo", "WMD", "torture", "Abu Ghraib", "Abramoff" and "Katrina".

Also, rather than try to ban them, phrases such as "universal health care" and "trade deficit" will simply be removed from the English language entirely.

Some other words, such as "black people", are OK in certain context. The sentence "Condoleeza Rice is a shining example to black people" is OK. The sentence "George Bush hates black people" is not OK.

Let me know if you have any questions.

- DC

P.S. You've been signed up to bring napkins and paper cups to the next Crawford BBQ.

Four bananas in two days is too many bananas. :(

Signs you might have a problem...


- Do you visit the iTunes Music Store more than twice a week?

- Do your saliva glands start up when the "New Music Tuesday" email arrives?

- Are you selling all your old CDs and telling yourself you can use the money to buy more stuff from iTunes.com?


If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you may have a problem.

If you answered "yes" to more than one of these questions, seek immediate medical assistance. There is hope.

The pitch:

How 'bout a gay astronaut movie?

"Brokeback Space Mountain"

Think about it...

Pat's Pics: Fun with the Camera Phone

Is there anything more Rhode Island than Party Thaaang? I don't think so.

The soap scum stain on my shower mirror is in the exact shape of Bermuda.

Ooooh! Artsy traffic lights!

Moral dilemma

So I forgot to bring my shower sandals to the gym the other day. I hate when that happens.

I had already finished my workout before I realized this. What to do now? Do I skip the shower and know that my feet with be healthy (but risk offending my co-workers for the rest of the afternoon)? Or do I take a chance with the unknowable horrors of the locker room shower floor in bare feet?

I opted for the shower. I knew I'd be spending the rest of the day working closely with my team and didn't want to be too offensive so early into the new job. And then I sprayed about three layers of Tinactin on my feet.

And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go boil another layer of skin off my toes...

Anger Issues

There was a Japanese guy that I used to work with at my last job. Really smart guy. But he had a wicked temper. And when he would get mad, he would start losing his English. So he would start to sound something like "(mumble mumble)..." then just end his sentence with "...PISS ME OFF!"

I was in danger of turning into that guy last night at the realtor's office.

Live from Kitchen Stadium at the Canole Residence...

This weekend, an epic cooking battle took place in the Canole kitchen. Iron Chef Jen made tacos (Saturday night) and crepes (Sunday morning). Iron Chef Pat countered with teriyaki chicken wings (Saturday night) and lamb stew (Sunday afternoon).

While neither competitor has any formal cooking training, both have been making meals at the adult, post-college level for several years now.

Let's hear what's going through their minds as they work.

Iron Chef Pat: I was a little nervous about working with lamb. I've never cooked lamb before. But, I think it's going to turn out OK.

Iron Chef Jen: Are you putting onions in everything?! You're going to stink up the whole house. You're sleeping on the couch tonight.

(Truly masters in their fields.)

And the winner is... Iron Chef Jen. The crepes put her over the top in the judges minds. They were just too good.

So there you have it. More reports as legendary battles of these culinary artists unfold. That's all for now.

survey topic of the day...

How did you do in your office AVN Awards pool?

Ethnic neighbors being weird again.

But it's SO GOOD FOR YOU!

Almond butter = messy.

It's more like almond soup.

Pat's Picks:

I like Tampa Bay over Washington and New England over Jacksonville in the Saturday games.

For Sunday, I'll take Carolina over New York and Pittsburgh over Cincinnati.

So... Home teams on Saturday, away teams on Sunday.

Christmas sweaters!

Yay!

Every time there's a big winter storm here, the local news shows everybody rushing out to Home Depot and Wal-Mart to buy snow shovels.

Who are these people that live here and don't own snow shovels by now? Do they throw out their snow shovels at the end of every winter? Did they just move here and not realize it snows?

Get it together, people.