Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Is it secret? Is it safe?


"Can we stop at the next rest stop?"

"Sure thing"

"OK" I think to myself... "This is it." I’m nervous, but not as nervous as I thought I’d be. I guess that’s a good sign.

We pull into the parking lot. It’s relatively quiet at this hour. It’s not even nine o’clock yet. I go to the bathroom in the rest stop. I pull the box out of my pocket for the eight hundredth time and make sure the ring is still there.

I stop for a coffee after my bathroom break. I’m still trying to act as casually as I possibly can. Meanwhile, this thing weighs about a hundred pounds right now. I can’t believe she didn’t notice the funny-shaped-pointy-thing sticking out from my pocket. It would almost be a relief if she asked me about it… I’m going to burst if I have to keep it a secret for another hour.

We walk back out into the cold morning air. "Hold up," I say, and get down on the ground like I’m tying my shoe. I then put my coffee down on the ground next to me and proceed to knock it over. Great. Just the way I wanted to immortalize this moment.

I recompose myself and pull the box out of my pocket.

I place the box in her hand and ask her to marry me.

It takes about two full seconds for her to recognize what is actually happening. I panic briefly in that time. It feels like 20 minutes. A rest stop along the highway? What made me think this was a good idea? Have I made a gross miscalculation of her tolerance of my sense of humor? Oh well. Either way, I’ll get a pretty good story out of this. But if she does say "No," this is going to be an awfully long week...

And then finally she answers:

"Yes".

There is giggling. There is disbelief. There are hugs and kisses. We run back into the car to warm up and laugh at the situation. A tremendous sense of relief washes over me.

We make a few quick phone calls to share the news with friends and family and get back on the road. I’m pretty chatty for the next hour or so. I’ve been keeping so much of this to myself for the last month. But it’s always great to talk to her. This feels right.

Friday, December 19, 2003

Tomorrow is the big day.

Wish me luck...

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

People who were at the gym today:

Guy-with-spittle-problems-on-the-treadmill
Older-blonde-in-insanely-good-shape
Older-brunette-in-insanely-good-shape
No-way-those-are-real-chick

Monday, December 15, 2003

War is not the answer...

A few weeks ago, a group of my high school buddies and I all got together for our "unofficial" 10-year reunion (before you ask, there was no "official" 10-year reunion... how lame is that?).

The plan was to get a cheap hotel room and do some gambling. In order save money (well, in order to have more money for gambling), we agreed to all stay in one hotel room. Now, I don't know about you, but it is my belief that six guys in one hotel room is NEVER a good idea (and I think the good folks at the Best Western in Mystic would agree with me on this one).

We checked in around three on a Saturday afternoon and started drinking. It didn't take long for everyone to settle into their normal roles within the group. Other than being a little older and fatter, everyone had changed surprisingly little.

By 6:00, everyone had a good buzz going. Nobody had to worry about driving, as there was a shuttle to the casino from where we were (OK, I've got to admit, that was a pretty smart move).

It was exciting to finally get to the casino. But, oh man, Foxwoods on a Saturday night is one kooky place. The people. The outfits. The gambling.

I then proceeded to lose $160 real quick at the blackjack tables. And it wasn't pretty. I kept stopping at 18 or 19, and the dealer kept blowing me out of the water. Ouch. I licked my wounds and moved on to smaller ventures.

I moved on to the $5 War table (yes, War, the card game you played when you were a kid). I actually did OK there. But I saw a guy lose $2000 on ONE HAND of WAR.

ONE hand!

Of WAR!

Think about that for a minute...

Anyway, six hours at Foxwoods when you're losing can really be a drag. I got some cheap dinner and watched the other guys play for a while. I was grateful when the shuttle arrived to take us back to our low-roller hotel.

But the casino was only foreplay...

We made our way back to the hotel room. And played poker until six in the morning.

I feel bad for the people in the rooms next to ours. We must have been pretty loud and obnoxious. And drunk. And loud.

But I was having a blast. It was good to be out with the guys and only be concerned about the next card coming up (and occasionally running out of beer). After a summer spent desperately looking for a new job, and then adjusting to the new job and pounding out another grad school class during the fall, it was nice to blow off a little steam and not worry about every dollar.

And eventually, my luck started turning.

Holy shit! I suddenly found myself up a couple hundred bucks (I think I even won $108 on one pot... (I also won the $5 ante final showdown hand)). Awesome.

Things finally wound down. I was able to grab about three hours of sleep before hitting the road.

It felt great to get in the car and drive home up for the weekend. I think the whole experience probably took about a week off my life. But what a ride...

Friday, December 12, 2003

Are we going to get A-Rod or not? I wish they'd quit jerkin' me around.

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Pictures from the new camera (not the best examples of my photography, but I am pleased with the image quality):

http://members.cox.net/pcanole75/Copy%20(2)%20of%20index.htm

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Is nothing sacred?

I believe one of the hardest things in life is maintaining excellence.

With that in mind, "The Matrix Revolutions" was incredibly disappointing. Without giving too much away, I just didn't feel like I cared about any of the characters they chose to focus on (except when Hugo Weaving was on the screen... Man, that guy is good).

The Wachowski's MUST have known how big a turd the script was when they started filming it. The whole movie felt like a first draft of something. Shame on them for not asking for help if they were out of ideas.

As disappointed as I was with "The Matrix Reloaded" at the time, that thing looks like a masterpiece in retrospect.

They really had a chance to do something good, too. They created a pretty interesting universe with the first two parts of the trilogy, but they just couldn't finish it. Instead, 25 years from now, people will look back and think, "Wow... THAT could have been a lot better".

I had such a bad taste in my mouth afterwards, I had to go watch "Rushmore" just so I could like movies again.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

You know when you're moderately drunk, and you walk into the bathroom at the bar, and there's that 1/2 second of panic where you're not sure if you went into the men's room or the ladies' room, and you look around frantically for the familiar sight of the urinal up against the wall?

I hate that.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

These are my non-football thoughts of the week:

Magic Hat #9 is my new favorite beer

Could I BE anymore gassy lately?

It's almost time for eggnog lattes. I love that time.

If I don't write stuff down lately, I seem to forget it.

I thought maybe I had broken my leg. As it turns out, I hadn't.

Friday, October 31, 2003

Admission: ten bucks.
Parking and gas: thirty bucks.
Seeing breasts: priceless.

Monday, October 27, 2003

I look very handsome today.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

Dear MTV,

We should get together again some time... for old time's sake. I miss you.

Sincerely,

Videos

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

October 21, 2003

Michelin North America
Customer Service Department
P.O. Box 19001
Greenville, SC 29602-9001

Dear Michelin:

Please find enclosed a photo of a three-month-old Michelin MXV4 Plus tire that blew out on me on the highway. I was traveling at approximately 65 miles per hour in my 2000 Acura 3.2 TL at the time of the incident. The tire had been on my car for just over four thousand (4000) miles.

While my retailer was very helpful about replacing the tire, I am extremely concerned about the safety of the other three Michelin tires on my car (all of which were purchased at the same time as the damaged tire).

Please let me know whether I should expect the other tires on my vehicle to explode in a similar fashion during the course of normal operation.

Very truly yours,

Patrick J. Canole

cc: Acura Client Services



http://members.cox.net/pcanole75/tire.jpg

Monday, October 20, 2003

I can't wait until all the baby boomers retire and move to Florida. I'm gonna buy me a McMansion.

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

April is the Cruelest Month
(or "The Tao of Poo")

By Pat Canole's Colon

It's been a pretty rough month down here in Pat’s Colon. We've gone from one extreme to the other. Let me give you a little background...

Right around the end of March, Pat started getting really sick (fever, congestion, nasty cough). No big deal, right? I mean, almost all the other departments end up working overtime, but not too bad for my team. Some extra fluids to work with... a little less food... No problems.

Well, things started getting ugly around week two. That's when he started taking cough syrup with codeine after a trip to the walk-in clinic. That codeine was a little TOO much fun. Nobody felt like doing any work... Everybody was content to sit around and enjoy the buzz (and one of the unfortunate side effects of codeine is that it constipates you... who knew?). And then, as he starts to feel a little bit better and get some quality sleep, Pat starts getting his appetite back. Inventory levels get out of control. Complete chaos... an absolute nightmare for me.

Making things worse was the fact that, because Pat was so sick, there was virtually no exercise all month. Simple gravity and "bouncing around" makes my job much easier.

Well, week three of the mystery ailment and he's off the codeine cough syrup and onto some over-the-counter stuff (and I have to admit, I was impressed that he was able to quit the codeine cold turkey). Unfortunately, that new cough syrup seemed to have the absolute opposite effect of the codeine. After a week of not being able to push anything through, things were going through too fast. I had no idea was available for processing in the product pipeline. And it’s my job to know this information.

Finally, week four comes around and we’ve got a new prescription from the allergist to help dry things out. Well, it certainly did dry things out... a little too much. Once again, production ground to a halt. Other pleasant side effects of the new medicine included dry mouth, insomnia and increased heart rate. Needless to say, Pat didn’t stay on that for too long.

Now, things are finally starting to get back to normal. There's regular exercise, lots of fruits and nuts passing through, and Metamucil comes by to help out on a regular basis (oh man... I tell you... THAT guy is one heck of a worker).

Things look good for the next couple weeks. The only potential problem on the schedule is the Krispy Kreme opening in mid-May. THAT could be trouble...

(Pat Canole’s Colon is a certified process management consultant. His latest book, "Change Management in the Modern Organization," is available at bookstores
now.)

Saturday, October 04, 2003

Household cleaning tip:

If you ever need to get ink stains out of your clothes dryer, nail polish remover does a pretty good job.

Don't ask.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Dear Other Blogs,

Why do you suck so much?

Sincerely,

Pat's Blog

Saturday, September 20, 2003

From the "greatest hits" compiliation...

Four Days in Montreal: A Tragic Shortage of Bras

Providence to Vermont

Leaving Providence on a hot Tuesday afternoon, we headed north. The planned stop for the first night was White River Junction, Vermont. We checked in to our hotel room and headed out for a drive to find a bite to eat around six o'clock. While the tin roofs on all the houses were amusing, we were soon too hungry to enjoy the scenery. THERE IS NOTHING UP HERE! Where do these people work? Where do they go for food? Everything in the downtown area seemed to be either closed for the night or completely abandoned.

We finally found a steak and seafood place close to the highway. It looked well populated and fairly safe. We sat down and looked over the menu. I ordered prime rib. Now, I don't know if it's because of all the nearby cows, but apparently beef is cheap in Vermont. I was brought a giant hunk of beef that must have been at least 20 ounces. It was comedically huge. I enjoy red meat, but there was no way I was going to ever eat that much meat and live to tell about it.

First impressions of Montreal

After a brief stop for the Ben & Jerry's factory tour, we said "goodbye" to Vermont and "Bonjour" to Quebec.

The 50 mile stretch between the border and Montreal is absolutely desolate. Nothing but silos and flat farmland. It was actually more depressing than the last few miles of Vermont, because in Vermont there was always the chance that there was a town just over the next hill. Here, the only breaks in the skyline were silos and barns.

As we finally arrived in the city, I was struck by how new things looked downtown. It's actually a much more modern city than I expected. The buildings were mostly new and shiny. I somehow wanted things to look older.

It was hot. Damn hot. I didn't realize Canada got this hot (and the forecast was for 31 degrees! Puh-lease.).

Lots of people in Montreal were getting around on bikes. Lots of people were making use of public transportation (the Metro was pretty much packed at all times of the day, which was no picnic with the excess heat).

Quebec has not yet discovered the joys of multiple designs for their license plates.

It occurred to me that Montreal must be a very poor city, for there seems to be a tragic shortage of bras. It seemed odd for a city with so many lingerie stores.

The sex industry is a big draw to Montreal. It didn't take long for me to figure out that, if you see a bright, shiny and well lit up storefront, it's probably a strip club. And they weren't on the outskirts of town or in the scary industrial districts like in Providence. There were all right downtown in the middle of everything. "Come on in for cold beer
and hot chicks" shouted one guy in a unique non-France French accent to the shoppers walking by.

Dining options for the downtown area seemed to consist entirely of coffee shops and cafes (the chocolate croissants were excellent). I've decided smaller, more frequent meals and snacks is the best way to go when traveling (as no one gets too cranky or bogged down... and no one likes walking around with 2 pounds of meat in their belly).

Language

Everywhere we went, people were able to converse with you in both English and French. I'm now convinced that everyone speaks a second language but me. Oh well.

The running joke for the week was putting "le" in front of a noun to make it French. Things just sound more French that way (and it was surprising how often that actually WAS the French word for something).

Shopping

It's tough to have any idea of what stuff is supposed to cost in Canada. Some things seemed fairly cheap, while others were overpriced. It's tough to do the Canadian dollars to US dollars conversion in your head, and then tack on about 15% sales tax on everything (even clothes).

Tourist stuff

The Biodome was one of the old Olympic stadiums converted to an indoor zoo. I thought the whole thing was actually pretty cool (although we learned that parents with strollers running other people over does not seem to be a uniquely American phenomenon). While we were there, we were annoyed by this one fat guy in an American flag t-shirt walking around with his fat wife and fat kid. He was berating the animals with cries of "Hey, entertain us!" , "Hey, do something!", and "Hey, wake up". He finally decided, "This sucks, I want my money back." And people wonder why people in other countries hate Americans... When you go on vacation, you are representing your country. DON'T BE THIS GUY.

Later that day, we visited the botanical gardens ("le Jardin botanique de Montreal"). All of the exhibits were very nicely done, but it was an awfully hot day to be walking around (I know the heat makes me cranky). Luckily, there was a little train driving people around the outskirts of the grounds. But long lines to ride the train and a shortage of seats almost lead to an international incident.

An American woman with her two kids did not want to make room or share laps so that a French Canadian woman and her six kids could sit (and I'm pretty sure they were all her kids). The Canadian woman began yelling, in French, that the American woman's family was taking up too much room. The American woman countered that it was too hot and that she should wait for the next train and that she didn't speak French. This argument went on for a good part of the train ride, with the Canadian woman reverting to French and the American woman reminding her that she still didn't speak French.

An older local Asian woman sitting next to Jen tried to discuss the whole situation with her in French. Jen just kinda smiled and nodded, which was apparently the correct response, because the woman kept talking at her.

Casino de Montreal was, um... interesting. After a long struggle to find a suitable dinner, we did a little gambling and went to a show at Cabaret du Casino. Now, maybe I got sucked in by the poster (and the "no one under 18 allowed" line), but it was not quite what I expected. In fact, I don't think anything could have prepared me for this.

The title of the show pretty much says it all: cinemashow. According to the bill, it "brilliantly recreates the best scenes" from some of your favorite movies through song and dance. Apparently, 10 dancers with wacky costumes dancing in front of a 12 foot
movie screen showing scenes from the movie they're recreating (just in case you couldn't figure what movie they were doing on your own) passes for "brilliant" in Montreal.

The show went on for close to two hours. The order of the songs in the show was based entirely on costume changes. The "Wild Wild West" number (yes, the Will Smith movie) went right into the "Moulin Rouge" tribute. The "Forest Gump" song went right into "Austin Power" (I don't know if that was a misprint, or if the movie was marketed internationally as "Austin Power", but that's how they billed it). The scene from "The Fifth Element" went into... well, I can't remember what that one went into. I was just so awestruck by this point (A musical tribute to "The Fifth Element"?!). The word "surreal" gets tossed around too much, but it was definitely a night I won't forget.

My first time

Finally, I'd like to finish up with a little story about "my first time".

It was my first time, and I was pretty excited. I'd heard about it from friends who'd done it. I'd read about it. I'd seen it on TV. I wanted my first time to be with someone special... Yes, of course, I'm talking about IKEA.

We stopped at IKEA Saturday after check out as sort of a last event of our vacation. Not only was the place enormous, it was PACKED with people. Young people, old people, people with families. Montreal loves IKEA.

Everything in the store seemed tastefully done and reasonably priced. Our only regret was that we didn't have more storage room in the car for taking stuff home.

Thursday, September 18, 2003

"Chicago"

(at the risk of this turning into my movie review page, here's another movie related contribution...)

I was dragged to see "Chicago" while it was still in the theaters. It actually wasn't horrible.

The audience, however, WAS horrible.

We saw it on a Saturday night in Warwick. The theater was packed.

There were 5 or 6 late 40's - early 50's upper middle class housewife types right behind us. They felt the need to have full volume conversations throughout the movie.

Now, if it had been a movie I was trying to pay attention to, I probably would have been a lot more upset about the whole situation. As it wasn't my nine dollars and 25 cents, I just kinda crouched down in my seat and laughed at things.

Some of the comments:

Oh! She's going to kill him!

Was she pregnant while they were filming this?

I really liked my Oldsmobile, but they're not going to make them anymore.


I nearly lost it when one of came out with "You know who would have been better for that role? John Travolta."

People suck.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

If I won the lottery, I'd totally get a monkey.

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

"Death to Smoochy"
"25th Hour"

Ed Norton plays characters overcoming impossible odds to make it big in New York City while discovering a little something about themselves (and their fellow human beings) along the way...

Well, not really... But close enough.

"Death to Smoochy" wasn't really as bad as everyone said. Don't get me wrong... It was deeply flawed. And the ending DID suck. But hey... Nobody really makes good black comedies anymore... (except Roberto Benigni... man, I can't wait to see his version of "Pinocchio").

It was at least colorful. And it had Catherine Keener.

Conversely, I didn't think "25th Hour" was as good as everyone said it was. Too much music. Heavy, dense music. There was loud blarring music throughout 98% of the film (by my count, there were two scenes that didn't have music).

Spike Lee also rips himself off a scene lifted from "Do the Right Thing" (close up on faces of the various ethnic types of New York and a discussion of what's wrong with them). Did they just reuse that footage and cut into this film?

I think the whole "but what if it happened this way" ending was a biblical reference (Jesus on the cross saying "what would my life be like if...?" (or if that wasn't actually in the Bible, it was at least a reference to "The Last Temptation of Christ")) but it was waaay too heavy handed.

At any rate, Edward Norton is watchable even when he's surrounded by crap. He's almost reached that Tim Robbins / Tom Hanks plateau where you can enjoy watching them do just about anything.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Football

I feel awful about Lawyer Milloy getting released this close to the start of the Patriot's season. But his contract was huge. And no one else was going to take that on.

It's still shocking though... Like taking a month off and then going back to work...


Thursday, August 28, 2003

Equilibrium

I sold back a bunch of CDs yesterday. They gave me $45. I then proceeded to buy $46 worth of new CDs. But at least I reclaimed some space. So, in a way, I came out ahead. Sorta.

Monday, August 18, 2003

The Gospel According to Pat Canole.

The only thing worse than not going at all is a painful crap. For a while during last fall, I was having a variety of problems (which I believe were related to an increase in protein shakes and dairy products in my diet). And I think you know how important the subject of pooping is to me (it's at the center of my very identity...).

In response to these problems, I've become an almost daily Metamucil user (call it "preventative maintenance"). One heaping teaspoon in a glass of water right before bed does the trick. I tell you, things have never been so smooth.

At first I felt like an old man. But the results speak for themselves.

Go forth, and share the Good News with all who will listen.

Friday, August 15, 2003

Unemployment rules.

Monday, August 11, 2003

Unemployment - day 11.

It's weird being here all by myself. This is the first day that I haven't had something planned or someone else around. So far, it's not that bad.

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

PDA - My Palm Pilot had been incredibly helpful in keeping track of all my appointments and interviews... Which is funny, because I probably never would have bought it on my own (I got it free with my purchase of four Michelin tires back in May (don't laugh)). It's a very easy way to keep track of names, phone numbers, and dates. And it fits nicely into my shirt pocket. The "synch up with my computer" feature is insanely cool. With two screen touches and a cable connection, I can synch up all my information between the two locations.

Three cheers for technology!

Friday, July 25, 2003

You know how they do the "outside of building shot to establish scene change" in sitcoms? IT'S BEEN DONE TO DEATH! KNOCK IT OFF!!!!

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

From an interview last week:

"So is this a new position or are you filling a vacancy?"

"Oh... Um... Let’s see... The person who had this job previously died. He was fairly overweight and didn’t take good care of himself. He had a heart attack."

D’oh! Walked right into that one.

Do I really want to be the guy who takes over for the guy who died?

Monday, July 21, 2003

Ever since my last move, I’ve been obsessed with the idea of getting rid of things I don’t need anymore. Over the weekend, I bought a cheap paper shredder. I had no idea how much fun it would be…

I sat down Saturday morning and started going through my filing cabinet. Anything that wasn’t a tax return or a credit card statement was fair game. Do I really need an electric bill from May 1997? Do I want the cruel reminders of what my 401(k) was once worth? (I actually had old phone bills from Nynex. Nynex! That was Verizon two name changes ago…) All of it in the shredder.

Before I knew it, I had filled up a large trash bag with paper shreds (I actually had to turn the shredder off and let it cool down a few times). When I dumped the bulging bag out into the recycling bin, the shredded remnants expanded to about three times the volume of the trash bag. It was as if the paper had been set free.

I can’t wait to make a second pass through my old files. Hours of entertainment.

"Comedian"

I'm constantly amazed by what miserable people stand-up comics tend to be (especially the successful ones).

Thursday, July 17, 2003

"Punch Drunk Love"

You know that face a dog makes when he tilts his head to one side, and he's listening to you, but he's not really sure what you want from him?

I made that face the whole time.
Why does the Outdoor Life Network run programming during the day? Isn't their target audience OUTSIDE during the day? Maybe they could split time with the couch potato channel.