Update from the Fish Tank

Or

Post-Op TS Seeks Hot Foursome.

All our catfish and algae eaters are gone. After several months without losing anyone, we lost all our bottom feeders within a few weeks to the big aquarium in the sky (or, if you’re a pessimist, down the drain).

All we have now are the swordtails.

We thought we had four females (it's pretty easy to tell them apart - the females tend to be larger and more orange, the males have the long sword-like tail). Now we have 3 females and a male. The change in the new male seemingly took place in just under two weeks (I pulled him aside and had “the talk” with him a few days ago).

Now, there's some debate online in the various aquarium discussion boards as to whether or not swordtails can actually change sex, or if the males are just late bloomers. Either way, there’s probably going to be some more baby fish in the near future. They’ve been super frisky this weekend...

The "Best of 2004" CDs are out.

Reserve your copy today!

DISC I

1. "Verse Chorus Verse" - Nirvana 2. "Caring Is Creepy" - The Shins 3. "Coolin' By Sound" - Pavement 4. "Nobody Has To Stay" - Mirah 5. "Bam Thwok" - Pixies 6. "American Idiot" - Green Day 7. "What You Waiting For?" - Gwen Stefani 8. "This Fire" - Franz Ferdinand 9. "Obstacle 1" - Interpol 10. "Oh The Guilt" - Nirvana 11. "Worry About You" - Ivy 12. "If You Knew" - Neko Case 13. "Come Crash" - A.C. Newman 14. "About Her" - Malcolm McLaren 15. "Jerusalem" - Mirah 16. "All Because Of You" - U2 17. "Ocean Breathes Salty" - Modest Mouse 18. "Bad Version Of War" - Pavement 19. "Bubble Pop Electric" - Gwen Stefani featuring Johnny Vulture 20. "Common People" - William Shatner featuring Joe Jackson

DISC II

1. "Gut Feeling" - Devo 2. "Le Garage" - The Futureheads 3. "Vertigo" - U2 4. "C'mon C'mon",The Von Bondies 5. "A Little More For Little You" - The Hives 6. "Me And Mia" - Ted Leo & The Pharmacists 7. "Memory Lane" - Elliott Smith 8. "Do Re Mi" - Nirvana 9. "Goodnight Moon" - Shivaree 10. "Sunrise" - Norah Jones 11. "Queen Bitch" - David Bowie 12. "Miracle Drug" - A.C. Newman 13. "Caught In The Rain" - Preston School Of Industry 14. "Hands Off The Bayou" - Pavement 15. "Take Me Out" - Franz Ferdinand 16. "Float On" - Modest Mouse 17. "Fit But You Know It" - The Streets 18. "Homecoming I.The Death Of St. Jimmy II.East 12th St. III.Nobody Likes You IV.Rock And Roll Girlfriend V.We're Coming Home Again" - Green Day 19. "On The Table" - A.C. Newman

Tales from Behind the Gun

Or

Item: Wedding Registry Story
Quantity: 1


“Quit pointing that thing at me and scan this spatula.”

“Hey, can we register for a puppy?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because. We can’t have a puppy right now.”

“How ‘bout cash? Can we just register for cash?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Now come here and help me with this stuff.”

“Hey, come feel these towels! So soft!”

And like that, we were off.

We started our wedding registry at Filene’s on a Friday night (despite my best lobbying efforts, Best Buy was not one of our options). There were at least two other couples there doing the same thing. I gave the “nod of acknowledgment” to the other men as we passed through the aisles.

Jen and I have both been living on our own for several years now (and the last two together), so it’s not like we need all the basic household items you need when you first move out of your parents’ house. But we’ve been out long enough that some the things we first bought when we moved out are starting to break down. Sheets and towels are starting to wear out. The blender is going. The rice steamer doesn’t even get warm anymore. So basically we’re looking at this as a chance to upgrade all our stuff on somebody else’s dime.

(Now that I look at that in print, it sounds horribly selfish, but it’s not meant to sound that way...)

(Actually, I take that back... Buy us some presents, dammit!)

Part of the fun was looking at all the stuff we didn’t know we needed. Who knew they made 500 thread-count sheets? And can we really ask somebody to spend $200 on a set of sheets for us? Obviously, we don’t expect people to buy us everything on our various wish lists... But damn... The things I could do if I had the things we’re asking for (and, of course, a bigger kitchen).

Will we actually use all this stuff? We started to get a little out of control with the scanning gun the first night. The rule we came up with was that it needed to be something we’d use at least twice a year to make it worth the space it would take up in our modest apartment. It can be tough to edit yourself when your inner consumer is telling you that this is your chance to ask for everything you’ve wanted (an iPod? Sure. Someone will buy us that).

As it turns out, Jen is really good at this. I can’t help but watch her with a certain degree of admiration as she swoops from aisle to aisle, consulting her list and improvising where necessary. (I seem to have a bit of a planning fetish. Is it strange to list “efficiency” under someone’s most attractive characteristics?) This is definitely the woman for me. I’m looking forward to filling our home with reasonably priced gifts together...

Dear teens in Pat's karate class,

You might want to mix me in once in a while.

Sincerely,

A shower.

"Hello? Is anyone here?"

"SSHHHHHH! GET DOWN!"

"Why? What's going on? Why are the lights off?"

"Quiet! It'll hear you."

(whispering) "What? What is it?"

"See there? Over in the corner..."

"Oh my God! It's HUGE."

"Yup."

"Is that what I think it is?"

"Yup. It's the gas bill for January."

"Wow. It's hideous."

"I know. I've got it cornered for now."

"What are we going to do about it?"

"Well, if we don't do something now, it's only going to get worse. Hand me my checkbook... I'm going in."

Dear Robert Kraft,

Thank you for all the exposure. Much appreciated.

Sincerely,

Blue shirts with white collars.

for recreational purposes only...


I got "NE 7, PHI 0" as one of my squares in the office pool.

Nice.

Dude, you've got to leave the house more often...

One of my favorite hobbies is torturing people in the media. Especially lazy people.

For those of you who aren't football fans, two or three times a year somebody writes an article about how out of control player's weights are in the NFL today.

This week, Tim Dahlberg, AP Sports Columnist filed a short-sighted little piece called "Fat flies in NFL, where one in four Super Bowl players are over 300 pounds".

Apparently, football players were all skinny 20 years ago. And nobody ever seems to take into account that these players may actually be taller and more muscular than players from a generation ago.

Anyway, I took a few minutes and sent this note to Tim:


I don't usually like to do the "link to an article then bitch about it" thing, but c'mon... seriously... Have you been to a buffet restaraunt or Wal-Mart recently? One out of EVERY four Americans is over 300 pounds these days. It's not just football players.


Well, Tim actually took the time to write back to me:

"true, walmart has a lot of 300 pounders..."


So I've got to respect that.