No more soduko right before bed... I start having crazy number dreams.

Tailgating... knock it off, Connecticut. Seriously.

Missed Connections

You - at the liquor store, buying $511 worth of wine.

Me - behind you in line.

Give me a call sometime. You seemed like a fun gal.

Don't ever go to Inskip for service.

Ever.

EVER.

SEVERE WAFFLE ALERT.

THERE IS A SEVERE WAFFLE ALERT FOR THE PAT AND JEN'S APARTMENT AREA FROM 6:00 PM TO 7:00 PM THIS EVENING.

A STORM APPROACHING THE REGION WILL BRING A MIX OF WAFFLES, SAUSAGES AND POTATOES. TRAVELERS ARE ADVISED TO STAY HOME AND EAT WAFFLES FOR DINNER.

A glimpse into Pat's inner monologue (from Friday night at the PPAC):

Jesus, who are those idiots hooting and yelling like a bunch of retards?

Ahhh, that would be the group of special needs adults two rows in front of us.

Picture of the Week.

Bunch of old stuff.

Live from Kitchen Stadium...

Today's secret ingredient is:

nutmeg!

"God rest the souls of that poor family... and pussy's half price for the next 15 minutes."

If you're not watching "Deadwood", you're missing out on THE definitive TV bad guy acting performance of the last 10 years.

Ian McShane as Al Swearengen is freakin' amazing.

The new job is great.

I can't really go into too much detail here, so if you want more information, either drop me a line or sign up for Pat's Premium Newsletter.

So far, the new guy has blown away the registry on his computer and clogged the toilet.

I'm off to a great start...

Dear City of Providence,

It's OK to go out and, you know, PLOW the snow. I spent one hour and twenty minutes on last Friday (12/10/2005) driving the THREE MILES from where I work to downtown Providence to pick up my wife. I saw exactly *one* piece of snow removal equipment during my trip (and, suspiciously, it was only working in the area immediately next to the state house).

You're going to have to do better next time.


Sincerely,

PC

Dear House Buying Process,

Why must you be so difficult?

Sincerely,

Pat's Heartburn.

The Dude Abides.

Happy birthday, Jeff Bridges.

"Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man..."

This year's version of "A Christmas Carol" at Trinity Rep. is one of the best I've seen.

If you haven't been in the last few years, check it out.

Song of the Week:

Death Cab for Cutie, "Marching Bands of Manhattan".

Possibly the gayest song of the year.

And I like it.

Coffee of the Week:

Tim Horton's finally has hazelnut. Yay!

When I had to write the year in Roman numerals during my first year of Latin, it was "MCMLXXXIX".

Now it's just "MMV".

Hardly seems like much of a challenge...

Christmas Tree Shops - Because 50 million fat chicks can't be wrong.

Magic 8 Ball, is "Aeon Flux" going to suck?

Signs point to yes.

The good little elves at Starbucks spend ten and a half months out of the year extracting the noggiest parts of the egg so that we can have Eggnog Latte between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Sure it's a little steep at $3.35 for a "tall". And that's an awful lot of extra calories to burn off.

But it's good.

Sooooo good.

House Hunting Report.

My God... The awful things people do to their houses.

The horror...

Harpoon Winter Warmer - be sure to have plenty around for your next gathering. It went fast this weekend.

Dear Mr. Lucchino,

I didn't see anything listed in the "open positions" section of your company's website, but I did hear on the radio this morning that you had a vacancy in the General Manager spot.

Like the departed Theo Epstein, I am a local boy who grew watching the Red Sox and hating the Yankees. Unlike Mr. Epstein, I would have no problem deferring to your judgment on major decisions. And I would gladly work for the low low price of $300,000 a year.

I feel I would bring an exciting new energy to the office. I'm a big supporter of statistical analysis. I'm good with computers. I've also read "Moneyball".

While I have no high school or college level baseball experience, I am an avid whiffle ball enthusiast.

I made it to Pawtucket twice last year, so I'm familiar with the up and coming minor league players.

Finally, I would also like to add that I came in second place in my fantasy baseball league last season.

Please contact me if you require any additional information. References available on request.

Very truly yours,

Patrick J. Canole

LINENS N THINGS ACCEPTS THOSE BLUE 20% OFF COUPONS FROM BED BATH & BEYOND!!!

Coffee of the Week.

What? No more pumpkin spice?

OK... I'll suffer through the gingerbread latte.

Jeez.

For completing my black belt, I bought myself a pair of Doc Marten's.

I've always wanted pair. This is my first.

I've been wearing them quite a bit. They look pretty good.

They're black with yellow stitching, so they even match the belt.

Dr. Marten's, Dr. Marten's, Dr. Marten's boots!

So far in 2005 I have:

- turned 30

- gotten married

- got my black belt.


There's still a few months left in the year. Maybe I still have time to buy a house.

Come Hungry. Leave Happy.

So I think we saw Patriots cornerback Randall Gay at IHOP a few weeks ago.

It was a rainy Tuesday night in Norwood (maybe 10 minutes from Foxboro). The place was empty. Randall was there with his wife (girlfriend? baby-momma?) and child.

He wasn't that tall. Maybe my height. But he had really big shoulders.

He walked with a slight limp when he got up to the bathroom. This fits, as Gay has been out with an ankle injury most of the year.

Finally, he was wearing an "NFL Player Development" jersey. Don't see to many of those around.

I didn't want to bother him and ask for an autograph. Let the man enjoy his pancakes.

This blog is made possible by a grant from the National Endowment for the Farts.

Meta Television

From now on, I'm only watching shows that are about other shows.

Picture Pages

We did our pumpkins today. Jen is much better than I am. I did the "stroke victim pirate skull" on the right.

To say we've had a lot of rain here this month would be an understatement. Bonnet Shores is now accessible only by boat.

If there's anything better than tax free liquor, I don't know what it is.

Thank you New Hampshire.

Dear Fox,

We love Tim McCarver's witty commentary and insightful analysis. He's the only reason we watch baseball.

Sincerely,

Nobody.

We went to see the New Pornographers in concert.

They played at the Roxy.

A lot of people were there.

The concert whupped a monkey's ass!

New POOORNOGRAPHERS!

NEW Pooooornographers!

Rock over London.  Rock on Chicago.

10/22/2005 - The day I got my black belt.

More on that later...

Fry Tax

You should know that Rhode Island has a steep fry tax. Those behind in their payments will be reported to the FryRS.

Dear Guy Sitting Next to Me Smelling Like a Brewery and Picking Your Nose,

Stop smelling like a brewery and picking your nose.

Sincerely,

Pat

COFFEE!

Ask your doctor if COFFEE is right for you.

Coffee Corner.

Oh Starbucks... You foul temptress... I thought we understood each other. I thought I could coast through the fall without any more trouble from you. I had gotten my fill of pumpkin spice lattes. I figured we were cool... No more seasonal beverages until Christmas, right? And then you come out with maple latte. Damn you!

Did you know I had a maple fetish? Or that I just can't lay off when I see the words "limited time only" up there on the board?

That's cold.

Where's Jim?

"Where's Jim today? Is he out sick?"

"No. Jewish."

You would think by the time I was 30 I'd be able to wash my hair without getting shampoo in my eyes.

But you'd be wrong.

Rhode Island: Where you can't afford any place you'd actually want to live.

And so... The Red Sox reign as world champions comes to an end. There will be no repeat. And I am reduced to rooting against the Yankees.

Only 85 more years!

Pat's Coffee of the Week:

Green Mountain Irish Cream.

I love sticking my nose in the bag and inhaling deeply. Probably my second favorite Green Mountain flavor.

Nice cock!

Cooperstown, NY

May 29th and 30th, 2005

After running around like crazy people for the week leading up to the wedding, we slowed things way down. We took an extra day to stop in Cooperstown on the drive back to Rhode Island. Unfortunately, the radio fuse in the car blew out, so we had a four-hour drive with no music. But this gave us a good chance to decompress and review everything we had just been through.
"Wow... We really pulled it off."

"Yeah."

There’s a reason you take a nice long vacation after your wedding. You’re exhausted. You need a chance to reset your brain. And you really don’t get to spend much time with your spouse in the week leading up to the wedding. It’s your first chance to actually see each other. A little road trip was a good way to shift gears.

The town of Cooperstown, New York is a beautiful place. Maybe you should go sometime, no?

We stayed at The Inn at Cooperstown. The building beautiful example of Second Empire architecture! (whatever that means...)

There's also that baseball thing. The whole town is geared around the Hall of Fame. It's not just about respecting the history of the game. It's about the colors.

"You going out without your hat?"

"Yeah, I should probably get it."

"You don't want to be seen without your gang colors."

"Right."

I estimate the crowd was 50% Yankee fans, 30% Red Sox fans, 10% Mets fans, and 10% other. I held my head up high in my red hat with the bright blue "B". Nobody messed with me. Especially the day after the Red Sox put the smack down on the Yankees.

We also ran into not one, but TWO groups of people we knew from our wedding at the Hall of Fame. Thanks guys. Newly married couples LOVE to feel like they're being followed...

We paid a visit to the Farmers' Museum before we left town. It’s kinda like Sturbridge Village, only in upstate New York. There’s olde time churches. Shops. A bunch of stone buildings. Barns. And animals that are happy to pose for pictures.


(Additional photography by J. Canole)

Coffee is gone. :(

Pat's Coffee of the Week:

Tim Horton's French Vanilla.

For cheap, mass produced coffee, it's not that bad!

Word of the day:

meatnormous.

I AM THE STUDENT OF THE MONTH.

Pat's Coffee of the Week:

Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte

Yum.

Open House

We went to our first "open house" last weekend. I don't want to say where it was, but if you're familiar with West Bumfuck, it's about 10 minutes past that.

Did I like the place? Yeah, but it wasn't without its faults.

Are they asking too much? Definitely. But everyone is asking too much in my mind these days.

Can I see us staying there 5 - 7 years? Absolutely. But I would have to become "Pat The Handyman".

The whole thing is kinda scary and exciting at the same time.

There was also the voyeuristic aspect of poking through somebody's house (they were into arts and crafts, model cars, and Jesus).

Law School

Overheard at a party last night:

"I think everyone should go to law school."

-- A Third Year Law School Student.

Um... No.

Annual Review

Free prostate massage with employee annual review!

Pat's Coffee of the Week:

Green Mountain Rainforest Nut.

Stick your nose in the bag and inhale deeply.

Yum.

We started watching 'Deadwood' last week.

Here's my spec script:


Guy 1: Fuck you, cocksucker.

Guy 2: No, fuck you, motherfucker.

(then Guy 1 shoots Guy 2. Whore and dirty child watch from the road while covered in mud...).


What do you think?

Raise your hand: Who wishes they bought a hybrid?

Picture Pages.

Just in time for fall, I've finally decided to start picking up my camera again.

Here are some pictures from our last weekend in Gloucester.

I'm really enjoying little splashes of color in wide open spaces lately.

(I'm usually pretty tough on myself, but these aren't half bad...)

Sunburned fat people with inside-out elbows... Crazy old people... Cell phones hanging off the waists of bikinis... Sixteen year-olds walking around in their gang colors... Stacked fourteen year-olds...

I love you, Scarborough Beach.

I put the "farts" in "fartlek"...

Despite the occasional minor setback, the running thing is starting to get better.

Maybe I'll go out for the cross country team this fall.

Oh, wait a minute... I'm 30.

Fun fact:

As soon as it cools off a bit, I'm baking cookies.

Dear Coldplay,

Could you guys turn it down a bit? You rock out a little too much for us.

Sincerely,

Nobody.

Rachael Ray takes bite, rolls eyes.

It'll blow your mind...

Like a street sign from some bizarre crossroads of the universe, I present to you...

the corner of Campus and Campus.

Pat's Song of the Week:

Stephen Malkmus "Baby C'mon"

The next time I go to the beach, I'm going to run up and down the shore shouting "GET OUT OF THE WATER! THERE'S SODIUM CHLORIDE IN THERE!"

There's always room for... The Jello Museum!

LeRoy, NY July 29th, 2005 http://www.jellomuseum.com/

(Show your AAA card and save!)

We gather here today to celebrate... Jello. LeRoy is the birthplace of Jello.

Sure, the Jello Museum may not have the illustrious history or emotional punch of the Baseball Hall of Fame, but it does have pictures of Bill Cosby all over the place. Didn't see any pics of the Cos in Cooperstown.

You can learn about the history of Jello. Find out how Jello is made. Pretend you're driving the Jello delivery truck. Look at pictures of Jello throughout the ages. And did we mention Bill Cosby?

Then you're suddenly back where you started. While the whole tour takes about 20 minutes, it was nice a way to break up our trip.

Be sure to ask for your free Jello molds at the end of the tour.

Pluses:

Nice to learn the rich and varied history of Jello, an American classic.

Minuses:

No Jello samples in the gift shop. Learning about where gelatin comes from.

A bar with Jello shots ready to go also would have been welcome.

Overall:

3 pudding pops (out of 5).

(additional photography by J. Canole).

Picture of the Week.

MMMmmm! Salmon burgers!

Dear Super 8 off the Thruway,

You might want to, you know, wash me once in a while.

Sincerely,

The Sheets

I'm sure there are a few things funnier than David Lynch giving the weather forecast from his basement everyday, but I can't think of any off the top of my head.

Song of the week:

New Pornographers, "Twin Cinema"

If I could have two dogs, I'd have a chocolate lab named Troy Brown and a yellow lab named Brady.

Home brew is better.
No need for Dunkin' Donuts.
I gots coffee skillz.

Missed Connections.


You: Good looking, slightly crazy blonde in your mid to late 30’s.

Me: Two cars over from you.

Where: Leaving the Providence Place Mall parking lot Saturday night after Waterfire.

I spotted you out of the corner of my eye in the passenger seat of the white SUV in the line to pay for parking in the garage. You had long, bleach blond hair. You seemed to be having a problem with your top, as it kept falling down. And you were so thoughtful to help the guy next to you driving with the seatbelt problems he was having (I’m assuming that’s what you were doing over there when your head kept disappearing). Safety first!

Also, you might have been a little drunk.

Drop me a line sometime. You seem like a classy gal.

Um... OK. Sure.

"Wow, you look great."

"Thanks."

"You're really keeping the weight off since the wedding."

"Yeah."

"That wife of yours must really be cracking the whip."

"Yup."

Or not. Whatever.

Coffee makers: clean 'em out once in a while.

Dear Television,

Please find a way to get John O'Hurley on every week.

That guy is a genius.

Sincerely,

Pat

heel-toe heel-toe heel-toe

I've done 12 miles so far this week.

And I've had a dog with me on exactly none of those miles.

Sigh.

If they still made Ecto Cooler, I'd drink it.

Everytime I go to BJs, I wonder,
who's buying those giant bottles of KY?

I miss irony.

My Wedding. May 28, 2005.

I may be a little biased, but I think that was the best wedding I’ve ever been to.

The whole day flew by. One minute, Jen and I are having breakfast together in the hotel with a dozen screaming soccer players. The next minute, I’m in a suit and tie standing in front up 100 people waiting for my bride to walk down the aisle. Whoa.

The ceremony was beautiful. Jen looked amazing. It didn’t go exactly as we practiced it in the rehearsal (the officiant decided he was going to improvise about half way through), but everything worked out OK. We changed things up just enough to make it personal. Anything we didn’t like, we omitted. Was I nervous up there? Yeah, of course I was. But it was worth it. And it was over before I knew it (I felt like I could have used 2 or 3 more practice runs before the actual event). Suddenly, Jen and I are leaving the building. After the receiving line, our guests musically accompanied us to the car on 75 kazoos. Too funny. I almost lost it there.

After the ceremony, we went to Glen Falls Park for pictures. Lots of pictures. I hope the ones from the end turn out OK, because my face was hurting from smiling so much. There were at least three other wedding parties doing their pictures there that afternoon (and a few kids from the high school prom). Now this was a pretty small space for three wedding parties. There was some intense jockeying for the best backgrounds. Add in attendants, giant SUV limos, and a few Clydesdales, and you’ve got a potentially volatile situation. Unfortunately, it never came down to an all-out rumble. That would have been great.

I finally got 5 minutes to talk to Jen on the car ride between the pictures and the reception. That was nice. I really hadn’t seen her much that week. It’s amazing how little time you actually get to spend with the person you are marrying during the days leading up to the wedding.

I had a blast at the reception. The food was quite good. I loved the cake. And the DJ did a good job. He didn’t get to everything on our playlist, but I was pleased. The dance floor was packed all night. He did his job. This was the first reception I’ve ever been to where the bartenders were dancing. Jen’s idea of “movie themes” during dinner as background music went over really well. Everyone seemed to have a lot fun guessing which movies we were using (the DJ himself was highly amused - “First time in 19 years of dee-jaying that I’ve played the theme from “Pee-wee's Big Adventure” at a wedding reception…”)

We were also treated to one of the all time top-ten best man toasts. Seriously. Mike knocked that one out of the park. If you’d like to hire him for weddings, birthday parties or other gatherings, I can get you his contact information (but be warned… he has an extensive list of “contract demands”…).

Again, the whole event flew by. But according to my married friends, it ALL flies by after the wedding and the first kid. Great. "Vroooom! What was that? That was your life, mate. Oh, that was quick. Do I get another? Sorry, mate, that's your lot."

We really appreciate everyone making the trip out to Buffalo (and we totally understand if you couldn’t make it). I wish we had gotten the chance to spend more time with everyone and actually shown them some of the things in Western New York I think they would enjoy. Don’t feel slighted if you didn’t get to see us much. We were there on business. We had a job to do.

Finally, we love pictures. If you have any good ones, please send them in.

Coming soon… The Honeymoon. Stay tuned!

My allergies have decided to act up again this week. It's a good thing I didn't get pulled over on the way home tonight. I had to be at at least twice the legal limit for Flonase and Benadryl...

Hippie Lettuce

How 'bout instead of "organic - no pesticides," you just put "full of little tiny bugs" on the label?

Pat's song of the week:

Spoon - "I Turn My Camera On"

Picture of the Week.

A few quick thoughts before I get into some longer essays:

Thank you everyone for coming out to the wedding. Much appreciated. I think it went pretty well.

Bermuda was great. Just what we wanted. A little expensive, but you get a lot for your money. I highly recommend it. Absolutely beautiful.

"Dress up night" - most of the restaurants in Bermuda were "smart casual" (just short of formal). Jen and I had a lot of fun dressing up for dinner. If anyone wants to get together for dress up night some time, drop me a line. We could do Newport, Providence, Boston or even the casinos.

Dear Philadelphia International Airport,

You might want to get around to installing me at some point.

Sincerely,

Air Conditioning.

Whoa...

THAT flew by.

Buffalo Soldiers

Here's a few tips and suggestions for those of you making your first trip to Buffalo next week.

Getting around the city is fairly easy. The only time you should encounter any traffic issues is due to road construction. Or when the "Hot and Fresh" light at Krispy Kreme comes on.

If you want to actually blend in with the locals, you should have started growing your moustache by now.

The seasons can be easily separated into "hockey season", "football season" and "football pre-season". However, there was no hockey season this year, so the locals may still seem a bit disoriented and restless.

Resist the temptation to laugh and point at house prices in the region. This urge will be strong, but you don't want to offend the locals.

Milk is also relatively cheap in Western New York. Be sure to stock up while you're out there.

Most of the locals speak English. You won't need to change your money to the local currency, but beer can be used instead of cash for goods and services with most merchants.

You will not need a passport or birth certificate unless you plan to cross the border into the mysterious "Canada". But you will need to pay a toll to go just about anywhere.

Finally, to make up for the lower cost of living, there's a tax on pretty much everything.

Have a safe trip and thanks for coming!

Bumper sticker round-up.

I'm always fascinated by what people put on their cars. Here's a few I spotted last week.


"I'm pro-lifejacket and I boat"

I like this one. I've always been big fan of comical takes on serious issues. This made me laugh.


"Republicans for Voldemort"

I really like this one, but I'm not exactly sure what they're trying to say. Are they a republican and they're in on the joke that republicans are evil? Or are they a democrat being cheeky? Or is someone named "Voldemort" actually running for office in their district?

Visualization.

I'm trying to lose a little weight before the wedding. One of the recommended techniques for weight loss (or trying to achieve any goal, for that matter) is visualization: try picturing what you'll look like at your goal weight.

It suddenly occurred to me the other day that, even when I'm much thinner, my torso will still be pretty pale. I know it sounds obvious, but I honestly never realized that until just the other day. I just assumed I'd somehow be tanner in my earlier mental pictures of myself.

Or as my buddy Lisa used to say: "Brown fat looks better than white fat."

The Acura is having some MAJOR work done.

I brought it in to get the transmission checked out. I haven't had any problems, but I've gotten three recall notices in the mail about getting the transmission (possible lock up at high speeds... THAT would suck...(Granted, there's been "only one confirmed instance of a transmission failure related to this defect", but still...)).

But this is big. I've got a whole bunch of other maintenance going on while it's in the shop (but they couldn't fix that damn dent in the hood...)

I really shouldn't complain. I haven't had to put much money into it. I've only had to pay for regular maintenance and a new set of tires done over the last 5 years (Well, that and car payments).

I don't have to pay for the transmission. It's covered under the recall. But there's still a good chunk of change going into it. And it's not like I had anything else expensive going on this month.

Another $55 to replace the air filter? No thanks. I can do that myself for $6.

I'm definitely keeping it until 200,000 miles now.

Pod People

I got an iPod as a gift recently. (Pretty kick-ass, huh?)

Now that I've had it for a week, I get the appeal. It's not about the technology... or the music... or even the fashion statement.

The iPod is for people with control issues. There are so many different ways it lets you hear exactly what you want to hear. It lets you feel like there is some kind of order to the universe. And that you have a say in it. You can spend hours organizing your music and actually feel like you're "getting something done."

All those people you see walking around with the white earbuds? They've got mental health issues.

I see the beauty...

less time for writing.
the blog has been neglected.
wedding is coming...

Pat's song of the week:

Palomar - "Albacore"

Project: Coffee Acquisition

Purpose: To obtain a delicious cup of coffee. Coffee may be hot or iced.

Budget: $2.

Due Date: May 5, 2005

Sponsor: Patrick Canole

How the deliverable was met: Dunkin' Donuts hazelnut iced coffee. Customer was satisfied. Project came in under budget.

Dear Yankees,

So sorry about your current troubles. I was really hoping you guys would get it together this year.

Sincerely,

Nobody.

These new knives rule!

Next week on '24' - Jack waterskis over a pool of sharks!

Pat's song of the week:

Fiona Apple - "A Better Version Of Me"

Looks like I'll be bringing in my coffee from home for a while...

Are you like me? Does your skin crawl after hearing the words "drinking water" and "fecal contamination" in the same sentence?

The town where I work has a "boil your water" warning going on right now. It could last into next week.

I'm going through bottled water and hand santizer by the gallon.

Am I better off washing my hands or not washing my hands after going to bathroom?

I hate having to ask myself questions like that.

Anybody have any questions for Mr. Kraft or Mr. Belichick? 'Cause I'll be hanging out at The Razor with them on Saturday.

"Bill? Yeah, this is Pat. Yeah, I'm the clubhouse, just finishing up my lunch. Listen, I know you like the linebacker from Georgia here, but I'm thinking you want to take another cornerback..."

The wedding showers are finally done. We got a lot of nice stuff, but we're going to need a bigger apartment to put it all in...

The detox diet was a complete success. Thank you for your support.

Dear Recovery Day,

Baby, you're sooo good for me. I miss you when we're apart. Our time apart makes me appreciate you that much more. I wish we could spend even more time together.

I can't wait to see you again... Damn.

Love,

Pat's Legs

29 years, 11 months.

Barring some kind of kidnapping and forced entry into the competitive eating circuit over the next four weeks, I will safely be able to say that I am in better shape at 30 than I was at 20.

Unfortunately, this says more about what lousy shape I was in 10 years ago than what great shape I'm in now.

Pat's Detox Diet.

After three days on the road, my intestines were none too pleased with me (I think it was the McGreaseWich with hashbrowns that did me in). I also overdosed on caffeine.

Here's the plan to get back to "normal":

Day 1

(simple proteins, fiber, and lots of fluids)

water
cranberry juice
green tea
oatmeal
peanut butter
turkey
broccoli
almonds
multi-vitamin
aspirin
metamucil

Day 2

(more protein, more carbs, and lots of fluids)

water
cranberry juice
green tea
coffee (maybe)
fruit
yogurt
granola
salad
chicken
almonds
multi-vitamin
aspirin
metamucil

Wish me luck.

Is there something going on with the Pope right now? I can't seem to find any information...

coffee coffee COFFEE!

If you only knew the power of the dark roast...

I've been resisting the urge to make my own coffee at home up to this point. "If I don't have easy access to it, I won't drink as much," was my my thinking on the issue.

Oh sure... I've experimented a little here and there. But it was nothing serious. I could stop any time I wanted.

And besides, if I was getting my coffee on the outside, it felt like it was still just a social thing.

But know we've got a kick-ass coffee maker. And a bean grinder. (This "wedding registry" thing is the best scam going, by the way...)

Sure I'm saving money. But there's really going to be no stopping me now. This "habit" is going to become a full blown addiction before I know it.

I've given in to the dark side.

Oh well.

April Showers.

One down. Two to go.

It's a marathon, not a sprint...

There is no "song of the week" this week. No song accurately summed up this week for me.

Pat's song of the week:

Beck - "E-Pro"

Go get it now!

Picture of the Week.

No crushing heartburn.
I can drink coffee again.
Thank you, Nexium.

Satellite Radio: The Best Thing Ever?

Hi. My name is Patrick. I have a problem. I can't stop listening to my satellite radio. March 6th, 2005 will forever be known as The Day I Moved to Satellite.

After plunking down the credit card and signing up for the installation, there was about a 15-minute period of buyer's remorse. I DO spend a lot time in my car. And I've got a few long road trips planned. But this was an awful lot of money to be spending on myself. Was this really the best way to spend that money?

And then, after it was installed and activated, I finally got the chance to play with it. And I instantly fell in love with it.

You're probably asking yourself "Why would I pay for radio? I'm getting it for free in my car right now." Well, do you remember when you used to get 4 television stations and thought that was all you needed? Cable television came along and changed everything. The leap from regular commercial radio to satellite radio is a lot like that (and now that you've gone to cable, will you ever go back to just 4 TV channels? Didn't think so.) The "old" stereo in my car has presets for 12 FM channels. I would say that maybe 3 of them are worthy of that status.

I love music. I listen to a lot of music. At home. At work. In the car. If I don't have the radio on at home, I'm usually listening to a CD or searching for a television channel that still shows videos. Like cable, satellite radio gives you the opportunity to go out and find what it is you're really interested in. Specialization is a beautiful thing. You like bluegrass? How does a whole channel of bluegrass 24 hours a day sound? Whatever you are into, they've got it. I've got a channel that only plays Elvis. I've got 6 country stations that I'll never listen to (but I'm OK with that). Even if I only ever listen to 25% of the stations I have at my disposal, my radio universe has been significantly expanded.

But there is more than just music. You like sports? How does EVERY NFL game sound? Even better - how about a channel devoted to talking about football all year long? The sports community is well represented by satellite radio (and there are rumors of the existence of some type of "National Hockey League", but I can't confirm that just yet…). There are dozens of channels of talk, entertainment, news and weather. You also get free streaming audio on your computer at no extra charge. How cool is that?

The DJs are on satellite radio are unobtrusive. They come on for a few quick seconds, give you a little bit of information, and then move on. And if you want to know the name of the song and you simply can't wait, you just check the display for full artist and song title information (I can't tell you how many times I've said, "Who is THAT?" in the last two weeks and had to pause and check). You don't have to wait 20 minutes for somebody who might tell you what he or she played. You can also get a full listing of what other stations are playing at the moment with the press of a button. And did I mention there are no commercials? Yeah. That's right. No commercials. My only complaint is the sound quality. It's not quite CD quality, but it's very good.

It's not just the sheer number of stations; it's the depth and breadth of music that each station plays within its genre. Absolutely amazing. One of the things I miss most about college is the exposure you get to all different kinds of music. I haven't been able to recreate that until now. I've heard artists I've never heard before on the radio. I've heard songs by bands that I completely forgot about. I've heard songs I've never heard by groups I thought I knew fairly well. I can't wait for my first long road trip with satellite radio.

If you're the guy that is happy with radio stations that play the same 12 songs every 90 minutes, then stick with "free" commercial radio. Otherwise, there are brave new worlds out there waiting for you to explore.

Where was this "culture of life" when we were invading Iraq? Just curious.

Here's my top 10 movies for 2004. I haven't seen every movie that came out last year, but I've seen enough.

1. The Incredibles
2. Kill Bill, Vol. 2
3. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
4. Napoleon Dynamite
5. The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
6. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
7. The Bourne Supremacy
8. I Heart Huckabees
9. Hero
10. Garden State

SEVERE GAS ALERT

A SEVERE GAS ALERT has been issued for the area around PAT'S OFFICE.

Forecasters predict a 90 percent chance of gas.

If unstable atmospheric conditions persist, the PAT'S APARTMENT area could be affected later in the day.

Brown out conditions are possible.

This warning will remain in effect until further notice.

Pat's song of the week:

...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead - "Worlds Apart"

Go get it now!

New fishes.

We added a few new fish over the weekend (2 pearl gouramis). Their description reads:

Social: Peaceful, suitable for community tank
Care: Easy

Sounds PERFECT for our tank.

I wish they’d stay still long enough for a picture. They’re quite beautiful.

Current tank count: 4 swordtails, 2 gouramis, 2 catfish.

Whack-A-Mole

I’ve been to a dermatologist twice in my life now (the most recent visit being last Thursday). Both times, I went in thinking I was just going to have something “looked at”. And both times, the guy was coming at me with a knife and a needle before I knew what was happening.

Dermatologists are men (and women) of action. No “just looking” for them.

Consider yourself warned.

Pat's song of the week:

The Go! Team - "Ladyflash"

Go get it now!

"Good morning, Pat."

"Good morning, Mr. Shovel! You ready to do some work today?"

"Not really... Just put me away for the rest of the winter... I'm exhausted."

"But I need you today. And there might be more snow this weekend."

"Oh man... This is too much. I can't take any more winter. Can you just ship me to Florida? I've got to find a new line of work."

"Hmmm... I don't think there's much demand for snow shovels in Florida. How 'bout we just get through the next few weeks and you can spend the whole summer just hanging in the shed?"

"All right. But if April 1st comes around and it's still snowing, I'm buying a one way bus ticket to someplace south."

"Yeah. You and me both."

So that Driscoll bitch is finally outta here. Her daughter was so annoying. I was going to pop her myself if she didn't shut up. She was all like "Boo hooo! Mommy! Pay attention to me." Puh-lease. We're working on issues of national security here!

I thought maybe I'd be in line to take over now that Driscoll's gone, but they made Tony the interim director of CTU. What's up with that? Who the hell does he think he is?

It's two thousand and... whatever year it is. A black man can be President of the United States, but a black man can't run CTU? Damn. I don't know who this Secretary Heller guy thinks he is. But I'm going to give him a piece of my mind next time I see him in the men's room.

And I haven't gotten to torture anyone in like 2 hours. WTF?

Jack seems pretty cool though. I don't mind working with him.

I'll post more later if I get a chance. Looks like I'll be working late tonight.

-- Curtis

State of the Pat Address

The Filenes registry did not make the final cut. If you've somehow seen that one, don't use it.

Angry divorced guy is back. He's our neighbor that never makes eye contact with you. In the last 8 weeks, he's been home all of 3 days. No idea where he's been. I'm hoping he's back for good, because I'd hate to have to go all summer without overhearing phone conversations like "I HOPE YOU'RE ENJOYING THE HOUSE!"

I've got a sports talk radio habit that I picked up somewhere along the way. It's been 2 - 3 hours a day. Nasty. I'm waiting for some kind of gum or patch to help me quit.

Don't be offended if you don't hear from me much over the next few months. It's going to be like the baseball playoffs. Only worse. Ten times worse.

A Bar Mitzvah? Mazel Tov!

I went to my first Bar Mitzvah a few weeks back. I rather enjoyed the experience.

The ceremony itself was fairly similar to the Catholic ceremonies from my upbringing. You sit. You stand. There’s a “call and response” section. (But no kneeling... Amen.) All you have to do is substitute “Israel” for “Jesus” once in a while and you can almost use the same text.

The ceremony was more family oriented than I remember a confirmation being. Mother, father, sister and cousins were all involved at various points in the ceremony. I don’t know if that’s true of Bar Mitzvahs in general or if that’s just the way this particular temple does things.

There was some type of ark at the front of the temple. I told Jen to keep her eyes closed in case they opened it.

I also never realized how much Hebrew sounds like Klingon. Simply take out the singing and grunt a little more.

After the ceremony, we moved to the Squantum Club in East Providence. This part was more like a typical thirteen year old’s birthday party. A DJ blasted music from the corner. Two professional dancing girls lead the kids through the Electric Slide and the other standard dances. There were presents and cake.

I wore my brand new brown velvet jacket (which, of course, I didn’t pay full price for). However, I went home disappointed when nobody commented on it all day. I was hoping for a “What is that? Velvet?”

Pat's Guidelines for Picking the Oscars.

Print this out and save it for next year. You'll be glad you did.

(Usually, you can stop when you hit the first item, but some years you'll want to scan the whole list and figure out which nominee picks up the most points from these lists.)

Major categories first.

Acting awards:

1) Always look for the person who is playing a retard, the person who changed their appearance the most, or the pretty person playing an ugly character.

2) Pick the actor playing an actual person (especially if they had to overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles).

3) Pick the well liked industry veteran who has been nominated before but hasn't won an Oscar yet.

4) Pick the actor playing a title character.

5) In the supporting catagories, pick the person in the Clint Eastwood movie.

6) Never pick someone in a comedy for a lead role.

Best Picture:

1) Pick whichever one made the most money.

2) Never pick a comedy.

3) Action movies can only win editing and sound awards.

Director:

1) Never pick Scorsese.

Animated film:

1) Pick the Pixar film.

Costumes and Makeup:

1) Pick the film set furthest in the past.

In the documentary and short subject categories, pick them in this order:

1) the movie about the Holocaust

2) the movie about retarded people

3) the movie about kids

(If there's ever a movie about retarded Jewish kids escaping Nazi Germany, bet the house on that one).

Animal Shelter Update

Saturday was a good day with the doggies at the animal shelter.

The first dog I walked was Ralph. He's a year old lab mix. He's got tons of energy and personality. I don't expect Ralph to be there next week, as there's already a five family waiting list of people who want to take him home. They were lining up at the door to adopt him. I've never seen anything like that.

I spent a few minutes with Cookie. She's a pit bull mix. She doesn't do too well with other dogs, but she'll let you walk her.

Finally, I spent some extra time with Kennedy. She's a female Rottweiler that needed a little grooming (and still needs a lot of exercise - whoa - she's got to be close to 105 pounds...).

Update from the Fish Tank

Or

Post-Op TS Seeks Hot Foursome.

All our catfish and algae eaters are gone. After several months without losing anyone, we lost all our bottom feeders within a few weeks to the big aquarium in the sky (or, if you’re a pessimist, down the drain).

All we have now are the swordtails.

We thought we had four females (it's pretty easy to tell them apart - the females tend to be larger and more orange, the males have the long sword-like tail). Now we have 3 females and a male. The change in the new male seemingly took place in just under two weeks (I pulled him aside and had “the talk” with him a few days ago).

Now, there's some debate online in the various aquarium discussion boards as to whether or not swordtails can actually change sex, or if the males are just late bloomers. Either way, there’s probably going to be some more baby fish in the near future. They’ve been super frisky this weekend...

The "Best of 2004" CDs are out.

Reserve your copy today!

DISC I

1. "Verse Chorus Verse" - Nirvana 2. "Caring Is Creepy" - The Shins 3. "Coolin' By Sound" - Pavement 4. "Nobody Has To Stay" - Mirah 5. "Bam Thwok" - Pixies 6. "American Idiot" - Green Day 7. "What You Waiting For?" - Gwen Stefani 8. "This Fire" - Franz Ferdinand 9. "Obstacle 1" - Interpol 10. "Oh The Guilt" - Nirvana 11. "Worry About You" - Ivy 12. "If You Knew" - Neko Case 13. "Come Crash" - A.C. Newman 14. "About Her" - Malcolm McLaren 15. "Jerusalem" - Mirah 16. "All Because Of You" - U2 17. "Ocean Breathes Salty" - Modest Mouse 18. "Bad Version Of War" - Pavement 19. "Bubble Pop Electric" - Gwen Stefani featuring Johnny Vulture 20. "Common People" - William Shatner featuring Joe Jackson

DISC II

1. "Gut Feeling" - Devo 2. "Le Garage" - The Futureheads 3. "Vertigo" - U2 4. "C'mon C'mon",The Von Bondies 5. "A Little More For Little You" - The Hives 6. "Me And Mia" - Ted Leo & The Pharmacists 7. "Memory Lane" - Elliott Smith 8. "Do Re Mi" - Nirvana 9. "Goodnight Moon" - Shivaree 10. "Sunrise" - Norah Jones 11. "Queen Bitch" - David Bowie 12. "Miracle Drug" - A.C. Newman 13. "Caught In The Rain" - Preston School Of Industry 14. "Hands Off The Bayou" - Pavement 15. "Take Me Out" - Franz Ferdinand 16. "Float On" - Modest Mouse 17. "Fit But You Know It" - The Streets 18. "Homecoming I.The Death Of St. Jimmy II.East 12th St. III.Nobody Likes You IV.Rock And Roll Girlfriend V.We're Coming Home Again" - Green Day 19. "On The Table" - A.C. Newman

Tales from Behind the Gun

Or

Item: Wedding Registry Story
Quantity: 1


“Quit pointing that thing at me and scan this spatula.”

“Hey, can we register for a puppy?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because. We can’t have a puppy right now.”

“How ‘bout cash? Can we just register for cash?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Now come here and help me with this stuff.”

“Hey, come feel these towels! So soft!”

And like that, we were off.

We started our wedding registry at Filene’s on a Friday night (despite my best lobbying efforts, Best Buy was not one of our options). There were at least two other couples there doing the same thing. I gave the “nod of acknowledgment” to the other men as we passed through the aisles.

Jen and I have both been living on our own for several years now (and the last two together), so it’s not like we need all the basic household items you need when you first move out of your parents’ house. But we’ve been out long enough that some the things we first bought when we moved out are starting to break down. Sheets and towels are starting to wear out. The blender is going. The rice steamer doesn’t even get warm anymore. So basically we’re looking at this as a chance to upgrade all our stuff on somebody else’s dime.

(Now that I look at that in print, it sounds horribly selfish, but it’s not meant to sound that way...)

(Actually, I take that back... Buy us some presents, dammit!)

Part of the fun was looking at all the stuff we didn’t know we needed. Who knew they made 500 thread-count sheets? And can we really ask somebody to spend $200 on a set of sheets for us? Obviously, we don’t expect people to buy us everything on our various wish lists... But damn... The things I could do if I had the things we’re asking for (and, of course, a bigger kitchen).

Will we actually use all this stuff? We started to get a little out of control with the scanning gun the first night. The rule we came up with was that it needed to be something we’d use at least twice a year to make it worth the space it would take up in our modest apartment. It can be tough to edit yourself when your inner consumer is telling you that this is your chance to ask for everything you’ve wanted (an iPod? Sure. Someone will buy us that).

As it turns out, Jen is really good at this. I can’t help but watch her with a certain degree of admiration as she swoops from aisle to aisle, consulting her list and improvising where necessary. (I seem to have a bit of a planning fetish. Is it strange to list “efficiency” under someone’s most attractive characteristics?) This is definitely the woman for me. I’m looking forward to filling our home with reasonably priced gifts together...

Dear teens in Pat's karate class,

You might want to mix me in once in a while.

Sincerely,

A shower.

"Hello? Is anyone here?"

"SSHHHHHH! GET DOWN!"

"Why? What's going on? Why are the lights off?"

"Quiet! It'll hear you."

(whispering) "What? What is it?"

"See there? Over in the corner..."

"Oh my God! It's HUGE."

"Yup."

"Is that what I think it is?"

"Yup. It's the gas bill for January."

"Wow. It's hideous."

"I know. I've got it cornered for now."

"What are we going to do about it?"

"Well, if we don't do something now, it's only going to get worse. Hand me my checkbook... I'm going in."

Dear Robert Kraft,

Thank you for all the exposure. Much appreciated.

Sincerely,

Blue shirts with white collars.

for recreational purposes only...


I got "NE 7, PHI 0" as one of my squares in the office pool.

Nice.

Dude, you've got to leave the house more often...

One of my favorite hobbies is torturing people in the media. Especially lazy people.

For those of you who aren't football fans, two or three times a year somebody writes an article about how out of control player's weights are in the NFL today.

This week, Tim Dahlberg, AP Sports Columnist filed a short-sighted little piece called "Fat flies in NFL, where one in four Super Bowl players are over 300 pounds".

Apparently, football players were all skinny 20 years ago. And nobody ever seems to take into account that these players may actually be taller and more muscular than players from a generation ago.

Anyway, I took a few minutes and sent this note to Tim:


I don't usually like to do the "link to an article then bitch about it" thing, but c'mon... seriously... Have you been to a buffet restaraunt or Wal-Mart recently? One out of EVERY four Americans is over 300 pounds these days. It's not just football players.


Well, Tim actually took the time to write back to me:

"true, walmart has a lot of 300 pounders..."


So I've got to respect that.

Postcard from New England.


To all my friends who used to live here...

We've had close to 35 inches of snow this week.

It was 5 degrees yesterday morning.

I had to pump gas at the world's slowest pump.

My nose hairs froze together.

Just thought you'd enjoy hearing about all the things you've been missing...

If this blog gives you an erection lasting more than 4 hours, see your doctor immediately.

Dear President Bush,

We think your Social Security plan is a great idea.

Sincerely,

Nobody.

snowman is an island...

"Hey, who wants to go outside?"

Silence. Giggling.

"C'mon... I only see you guys once a week. Somebody come for a walk with me. Cookie, you want to go for a walk?"

"No way Dude. It's freezing out there."

"Bruno?"

"Nope. I got my sleeping pad right here. I'm comfy. No reason for me to get up. You can scratch my butt if you want, but I'm not going outside."

"OK. Fine. Sarah, you'll come out with me, won't you?"

"What?"

"I said 'You'll come out for a walk with me, won't you?'"

"What?"

Louder this time. "DO YOU WANT TO GO FOR A WALK SARAH?"

Laughing. "Nah, I'm just kidding. I heard you the first time."

"Screw you guys, I'm going to play with the cats."

Dear 24,

Everything OK over there? Make sure you don't let things slip as you get into your later seasons.

Sincerely,

The X-Files.

Best albums of 2004 (in no particular order):

Green Day - American Idiot. I'm sick to death of the first two singles, but this is their best work to date.

U2 - How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb. Every few years, The Edge remembers he can play guitar.

Gwen Stefani - Love, Angel, Music, Baby. I alternate between digging this album, and not liking it very much at all. Today, I'm liking it.

Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand. As my buddy Mike says, "Are they gay? Or are they just Scottish?"

Modest Mouse - Good News for People Who Love Bad News. Starting to get overplayed, but still good. "Catchy" doesn't have to mean "sucky".

AC Newman - The Slow Wonder. More perfect pop from Canada's best songwriter.

The Streets - A Grand Don't Come for Free. I don't have anything to add here.

Nirvana - With the Lights Out. Not the place to start your Nirvana education, but a treat for long time fans. Nevermind came out when I was 16. I was never the same after that.

Pavement - Crooked Rain Crooked Rain: L.A.'s Desert Origins (reissue). Again, for fans only. But some of the best b-sides and rarities ever.

Albums I expected more from:

Elliott Smith - from a basement on the hill
PJ Harvey - Uh Huh Her
The Hives - Tyrannosaurus Hives
REM - Around the Sun

Project Beard

User acceptance testing on Beard 1.0 recently came to a conclusion.

Most commonly heard complaints were "It's so thin on the sides" and "It makes you look fat." (Editorial note - the beard doesn't make me look fat, the fat makes me look fat).

Despite numerous complains, the main objective, keeping my face warm against the Buffalo winter during the Christmas week visit, was successfully met.

Recommendations for next year (Beard 2.0):

1) move project start date up two weeks (planned start date 11/15/2005).

2) find an easier way to dispose of the beard once I'm done with it (I ended up making this face a lot).

Final pictures:

before

during

after.

Dear Poker Craze,

Don't you think you've gone on a little too long?

Sincerely,

Julianne Moore's nude scene in "Short Cuts"

Serendipity

"Hey... a bird pooped all over your window."

"Ewww... Gross."

"No! That's good luck!"

She wasn't believing me on this one. Oh well.

We continued on with our shopping errands. It had been a long Saturday of shopping already. One quick stop at the grocery store and we'd be finished.

We grabbed what we needed quickly then came back out. And then the car wouldn't start.

Actually, the key wouldn't even turn.

What the hell?

Dammit! My waffles are melting.

After 15 minutes of monkeying with it, we called a cab (and it took 4 calls before we found a taxi service that would come to our area). The taxi driver was something right out of a Coen Brothers movie. Thankfully, we didn't have to ask him to turn down The Eagles.

Now, Jen's car is a ten year-old Camry. It's been very dependable for us. But if you look closely, it's starting to show a few signs of aging. The key we were using looked pretty worn. Our thinking was that we'd get a ride back home, put the frozen foods away, and drive back out in my car with a newer key.

It's late by this point. The store is about to close. We rush back out.

"What do we do if this doesn't work?"

"Well, we'll come back for it in the morning. And we'll either call a locksmith or get it towed to the dealership."

Neither idea sounds like a great way to spend a Sunday. But I'm staying positive. It's nobody's fault. Nothing that could have been prevented.

We drive back out to the store and try it with the new key. And it still wouldn't turn. Grrrrr. Now what do we do?

Jen went and grabbed the guy in the parking lot gathering up carts. They had already locked the front door.

"Hey, we've got a disabled vehicle here. Is it OK if we leave it here overnight?"

"What's the problem?"

"The key won't turn."

"Mind if I give it a try?"

"Sure, knock yourself out."

Then he jumped in the car. And gave the steering wheel a quarter turn to the right. Then turned the key and started the car.

"Hey... How'd you do that?"

"I'm a mechanic. And I drive a Toyota myself."

Wow. This guy rules. Was there anyone in the entire universe who would have been more useful to us at that point?

So, to answer the "call a locksmith or call the dealership?" question, you flag down the guy in the parking lot putting carts away.

And I told you the bird poop thing was good luck.

Buffalo Pics

Here's some pictures from our Christmas visit to Buffalo (in no particular order and unified by no particular theme).

Bird in the Window

Niagara Falls at Night

Falls on the Other Side

Industrial Building

Snowy Street

I came across this picture last week. It reminds me of summer.

I can almost feel the sun on my face...

Delilah

One of the newer cats at the pound is Delilah.

On her paperwork, under "weight", it just says "big".

I thought that was hysterical.

Hi. My name is Pat. It's been 8 days since I spent money on something I didn't need.

How Deep Is Your Love? (or "Oh, the people I've met...")

It's 7:30 on a Saturday night. I'm in a large, poorly lit room with 16-foot ceilings on the second floor of a strange building in Cranston. Music is blasting from the corner of the room. I'm learning the hustle with several middle-aged couples.

The men line up on one side of the room. The women line up on the other. After practicing each step a few times, the women rotate to the next man in line. Regular rotation prevents you from developing any bad habits by working with only one partner. It also makes for awkward small talk.

Middle aged woman: Did you used to do the hustle when you were younger?

Me: Umm... I AM younger.

Whoa? How did I end up here again?

Rewind to September. My fiancee Jen has signed us up for a ballroom dance class ("I wanna dance at our wedding. It'll be FUN!"). I'm not crazy about the idea, but I don't put up too much resistance (and I'm not the stereotypical "I don't like to try anything new" kinda guy, it's just that I have no background with this sort of thing). At the very least, I figure it'll be nice to spend some time together.

It wasn't hard core dance lessons; just an adult ed class being run by the town. I was a little anxious about the first class (granted, I'm "a little anxious" about most things in life). Not owning dance shoes, I settled for something comfortable and supportive (at least my feet should be comfortable).

Seven or eight couples show up (with two women coming by themselves). Most of them are in their 40's or 50's, with one other young couple. The other young guy shows up to the first class wearing a t-shirt that says "I'm bored." Ahh, the power of positive thinking.

We learned waltz and swing first. Then we added cha-cha and foxtrot. And you know what? It actually wasn't that bad. We were one of the better couples in the class. Maybe that's a little bit like saying you kicked a retarded kid's ass in chess, but we did enjoy ourselves out there.

Dance is one of the last bastions of political incorrectness. Well, at least ballroom dancing is. The men lead and the women follow. That's just how it is. Most of the men in class don't seem to have a problem with this. It takes some of the women a while to adjust.

Back to the present. We've finished the 8 week course. Now Jen has us going out to actual dances on Saturday nights. This one had a pre-dance lesson on the hustle. We're going out to a dance... in public... with other people... Again, I have no idea what to expect.

At the urging of our instructor, some people from our class show up. Others couples are at varying stages in their dance skills. Once couple looks like they've done this professionally. The whole floor clears out for them on a few numbers. I can't tell if they're trying to impress us, or if this is just some strange kind of foreplay for them.

The wedding is in May. Hopefully, we won't have forgotten too much by then. We may even sign up for the intermediate course in the spring.

Ou sont le prophylactics?

One more Buffalo story... We took the drive over to the Canadian side of Niagara Falls for a little shopping adventure the day before we left Buffalo. We stopped at Canadian Tire (which, of course, carries not only tires... but other necessities like toasters, snow shovels, and hockey sticks) and Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart in Canada is mostly the same as Wal-Mart here. But the little differences are jarring. Their items, remarkable similar to those available in the States, claim to be "Made in Canada." There are little maple leafs all over the place. And things like your licensed Homer Simpson t-shirt comes in both English and French.

Codeine is an over-the-counter drug in Canada. They sell it at Wal-Mart. Or so I've heard.

While I was in the pharmacy department, I also noticed a cute little blonde girl buying two giant boxes of condoms (like, the big, 36 pack boxes). At least I know now what Canadians are doing to keep warm this winter. You need to find something to do with no hockey.

Pop Quiz

What got caught in Pat's beard last week?

A) cat hair

B) Jen hair

C) beer

D) coffee

E) all of the above


The correct answer is "E".