Unplanned Daddy Wednesday - Barfies Edition

10:34  I get The Call from daycare.  Kid #2.  Full on barfies.  Daycare, why don't you ever call just to say "hi"?  Or see how I'm doing?  Why is it always bad news?

11:00 I get to daycare and he's napping.  Should I leave him?  Go do some shopping and come back?  Nope, they're about test the fire alarm.  That would have been a short, angry nap.

I convince Kid #1 to stay at school and I'll come get him early.  This is a very delicate negotiation.  Would I like to have some extra time with him at home?  Absolutely.  But if I'm going to be cleaning up barfies, it'll be easier to only have 1 kid at home.

11:25 Made it home.  Read "Dog" twice.  Got a few sips of water in him.  Thankfully, he's not unpleasant.  Just a little out of it.  He goes down for a nap relatively easily.

11:45 Open up the Barfy Clothes Bag.  Whoa.  The scent knocks me back.  The front of his clothes are *completely* covered.  Again... The utility sink saves the day.,

12:30  Still sleeping.  Should I let him sleep?  I should probably let him sleep.  Is he going to be hungry when he wakes up?

12:35 Hey Dummy... Why don't you feed yourself while he's still sleeping?

12:45 Per Wife's orders, I Lysol everything.  Even the hand sanitizer.

12:50 I watch a Twilight Zone episode.  This is the one where the main character gets their wish and nothing at all bad happens to them.

1:05 Back awake.  And... He's pleasant!  He takes in trace amounts of water and Pedialyte

1:10 Why is the dog having a spazz attack?

1:12 Apparently she needed to go roll around in the snow RIGHT NOW.

1:30 Little Guy is napping on me now.  Parents always say stuff like "I wish *I* could get this instead of them" when one of the kids is sick.  But we all know it doesn't work that way.  Your best case scenario is that nobody else gets it and it's over quickly.

2:25 Wake and barf.  Some of it made it to the bucket!

2:30 - 3:00 Cleanup.

3:05 I worry that I might be coming down with it, too.  I call in reinforcements.

4:15 Everyone home now.  Another round of barfing from the Little Guy.  This time, ALL of it makes it into the bucket.

4:30 He's drinking something now.  This is an improvement.

5:10 More barfies.

5:15 Diaper is wet.  Good sign.

5:27 And now the dog is barfing.  OH HELL NO.  Thankfully there is another adult here now to help (Hi Honey!)

5:40 Whole bunch more barfing.  Is this the last of it?  I hope this is the last of it.

6:50 Little Guy appears to be hungry for basic foods.  He appears to be making a come back.  Outstanding.

8:20 The Small People are in bed. We seem to have achieved a relative level of stability.  As of this writing, I have not come down with anything myself.  And everything has been coated with three layers of Lysol.

Junior Food Critic

Kid #1: I don't want to eat what you're making for dinner. It smells dreadful.

Me: Well, I'm disappointed in your eating choices but I'm impressed with your vocabulary.

Bee Sting

Got stung on the big toe. May have let out an M-F bomb in front of the boys. Father of the Year application currently under review...

Daddy Wednesday - April 5th, 2012

Home with both kids for the first time.


8:50 Put on "Iron Giant" for Kid #1.  He narrates the action as it happens for Kid #2.  This is actually pretty cute.

9:15 Spending most of my time feeding the boys.  No coffee for me yet.

9:20 Coffee headache.  Gah.

9:30 Kid #1 won't stop eating (note to self: ask doctor if tapeworm or growth spurt)

9:45 Kid #2 can hold the bottle by himself now.  Good stuff.

10:15 No nap from Kid #2 yet.  Degree of difficulty: All Pro.

10:45 Nose got.

11:00 Give Kid #2 the "finger test" to see if he's hungry.  He nearly takes my finger off.

11:05 Five minutes of bottle, then he passes out.  Niiiice.

11:15 Kid #1 perfectly happy with a morning of "Phineas and Ferb" and legos.

12:15 Kid #1 declares he doesn't need a nap.  I'm going to play along and see how this turns out.  (Spoiler alert: not well)

12:35 Hands are DELICIOUS.

12:45 Flushable toddler wipes help make a house a home.

2:00 Walkies.

2:30 The walk did not produce the desired napping effect.  Now entering: Fussytown.  Population: Us.

2:45 After a bottle... ANGRY NAPS.

3:30 ANGRY AWAKE.

3:45 Now Kid #1 starts acting up.

4:00 Kid #2 starts boxing his reflection in the mirror.

4:30 Kid #1 REALLY acting up now.  Kid #2 upset, but he's not really sure why.  Degree of difficulty: All Madden.

5:25 Tag me out.  I'm done.


One last thought- It's amazing how quickly healthy eating gets tossed out the window when you're taking care of small people.

Daddy Wednesday.  Week 4.

(Parenting pro tip:  Never wear black when spending the day with a baby.  Neutral colors hide the baby blam much better.)

9:00 - 9:45  First bottle of the day is always tough.  Just waiting for the first BIG POOP of the day before we go out (him, not me).

9:46 Annnnnd... There it is.

9:49 WHY ARE THERE SO MANY GODDAMNED BUTTONS THIS OUTFIT?!

10:05 Get dressed, Baby...  We're going out!

10:20 - 11:30 OUT!  Fresh air!  Sunshine!  Visiting!  Conversations!  With other adults!

11:30 Back home.  The house smells like stale coffee and asparagus pee with a hint of dog.  Might be time to open up a window.  (Note to self:  These are the things you don't realize when you don't leave the house.)  The boy is sleeping hard.

12:20 What is that sound?

12:22 Holy crap, Crazy Neighbor is blowing up a bouncy house.  (What other wacky antics am I missing while I'm at work during the day?)

12:30 I make a bagel for myself, then proceed to grab it from the toaster without having a plate to put it on.  Damn.  Again... Parenting kills brain cells.

1:35 Two hour nap.  Then sad.

1:45 After a bottle and a poop, he seems much better.

2:15 Aaga booga boo gabbas.

2:30 How big is Baby?  SO BIG!

2:45 - 3:00 Tummy time, peek-a-boo, rolling around on the floor, and general silliness.

3:02 I go to the bathroom then get the "Oh my God, I thought you were never coming back" look.

3:05 - 3:30 Walkies.  More fresh air.  Glorious.

3:32 I spot a hawk swooping over the area we were just walking.  LOOKING FOR TASTY TASTY BABY MEAT, NO DOUBT.

3:40 - 4:20 Unexpected second nap.  There might be something to this fresh air thing.

5:30 Back home with Mom.  I drop back down to #2 on the depth chart.

8:15 The boys are in bed.  The dog has been dewatered.  The trash has been taken out.  Magic Happy scotch Time for Daddy.

Daddy Wednesday

After 13 weeks at home with the new baby, my wife is going back to work part time.  I'll be taking Wednesdays off to help out with the transition and get a little bonding time in with Kid #2 (Little D).

Here's my running diary of the first Daddy Wednesday with Kid #2.


6:20 Up to let the dog out.  Kid #1 hears me shortly after and wants to get up, too.

6:30 - 7:05 Getting Kid #1 dressed.  This should normally be a 10 minute job.  Not a good sign of things to come.

7:25 We're off to a great start.  Kid #1 has epic meltdown because he can't have Valentine's Day candy for breakfast.  Timeout.

8:15 Get Kid #1 to daycare.  There will come a day when I can handle both kids alone all day.  Today is not that day.  One of the daycare teachers tries to steal Little D.  I think she's kidding.

8:40 Home.  Coffee (for me, not the baby).

9:05 - 9:40 The morning nap is just a rumor.  Finally get him to take the first bottle of the day.  He obviously prefers "on tap".

10:00 Little D seems to like "Flight of the Conchords" reruns more than "Louie".  He's not big on pathos.

10:00 - 10:28 Staring at each other.

10:30 HUNGRY.

11:02 He falls asleep in my arms.  I sneeze immediately after and wake him up again.  Dammit.

11:28 I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  Yikes.

11:31 - 11:33 Shave, shower, take the dog out.

11:50 Find myself talking to the TV.

11:53 First attempt at my own lunch.

11:55 - 12:15 We play the game where I walk him around and he cries when I stop moving.  Nobody wins.

12:45 Happy fun smile time.

1:00 Second attempt at lunch.

1:20  "Could you please take a nap for Daddy?"  He just smiles and laughs at me.

1:40 Nap.  Finally.  (I also pass out for 20 minutes.)

2:20 HUNGRY.

2:40 Back to sleep.

4:30 Holy crap, still sleeping.

5:05 Up from the Epic Late Afternoon Nap.  No longer fighting me on the bottle.  Chatty.

5:15 Little D can't stop staring at his hands.  They must be awesome...

5:35 Reinforcements arrive.  Phew.


6:00 - 8:00 Dinner.  Wresting.  Baths.  Stories.  Bedtime for the boys.

9:30 I pass out on the couch (about 45 minutes before my normal bedtime).

BATHTIME

A one act play by P. Canole

SON:  I want to take a bath tonight.

FATHER runs bath.

2 minutes later

SON:  I don't waaant to take a baaaaaaath.

FATHER finally gets SON in the bath.

10 minutes later

SON:  I don't waaant to get out of the baaaaaaath.

FATHER gets SON out of the tub then goes downstairs and pours himself a drink.

Ten Thoughts for my Friends Without Children Yet

1) There is no dignity in parenting. You will be covered in a variety of bodily fluids in the first year.

2) Buy a Tivo. Otherwise you'll miss out on just about everything. And then watch in horror later as it gets filled up with episodes of "Sesame Street" and "Yo Gabba Gabba!".

3) Daycare isn't a bad thing. We've had a very positive experience with it. And it's great for their social skills.

4) Buy a good washing machine. You'll be doing more laundry than you've ever done in your life. Ever.

5) Going out to a movie will now require roughly the same amount of planning as the Invasion of Normandy.

6) Time passes differently after you have kids. Being a parent changes your brain structure. I have no idea what just happened to the last 20 months or so.

7) Kids are more resilient than you think. I have to constantly reminded myself of this.

8) Read to your kid.

9) None of these recommendations may apply to you. Just figure out what works and go with it.

10) Being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever done. It's also the best thing I've ever done.

You people without kids are missing out...

Saturday night. The living room.

We have a few friends over. I pick Little Man up off the ground and give him the deep "sniff test" from behind.

Eric: How weird is it that that's completely normal now?

Me: Yeah, there's no dignity in parenting.

Hot Moms

"So you're easily the hottest mom in the neighborhood."

"OK."

"The only mom that's even close is Jared's mom."

"Um, thanks."