It Probably Went Something Like This

England, 1809. Four well dressed gentleman walk the countryside on a hunting expedition.

Gentleman 1: My good fellows, I'm almost finished with my latest batch of dogs. You will be amazed at their loyalty and affection, and their capacity for absolutely disgusting behavior. Put your orders in now, for they will go fast. And if you have any last minute requests for desired traits or characteristics, please let me know.

Gentleman 2: My brother-in-law has a dog that sniffs butts and licks his own balls. Will you be able top that?

Gentleman 1: Absolutely. My new breed will go well beyond mere butt sniffing and ball licking.

Gentleman 3: I need a dog that will clean up after my cat. Can you breed me a dog that will happily eat cat feces?

Gentleman 1: Consider it done.

Gentleman 4: Well, I certainly want one of these dogs. But I'll be redecorating my hunting lodge next season, and we haven't picked out the tapestries yet. Can you make sure that I'll have a choice of colors?

Gentleman 1: How about if I give a choice of THREE colors?

(All 3 other Gentleman): Ooooh!

Gentleman 2: What about hunting? Will I still be able to take this dog hunting? Or will it only lie about and be disgusting?

Gentleman 1: Do you prefer land hunting or water hunting?

Gentleman 2: Hmmm... How about both?

Gentleman 1: No problem. It will be a Grade A hunter, on both land and water. And yet still lovable. And disgusting.

Gentleman 3: What about vomit? Will it clean up its own vomit? I can't stand watching my servants pick up dog vomit.

Gentleman 1: This dog will LOVE its own vomit.

Gentleman 4: And what of temperament? It must be agreeable.

Gentleman 1: Of course.

Gentleman 2: I have a fallen tree in my back yard that I need ground up into small pieces. Would this amazing animal of yours be able to handle that, too?

Gentleman 1: I believe so. Any other requests? No? OK then. So, just to recap, you want a dog that will hunt, swim, eat its own vomit, clean up cat feces, chew up entire trees, and yet still be lovable and agreeable?

Gentleman 4: Don't forget the colors!

Gentleman 1: ...and come in different colors.

(All 3 Gentleman): Yes!

Gentleman 1: Consider it done.

Gentleman 2: Well, I must say I'm impressed. If you can deliver on half of your promises, surely this will be a dog for the ages.

Gentleman 1: It will be. I'm quite confident I can bring all these traits together in one amazingly disgusting, yet lovable beast.


And so today, that is why the world has Labrador Retrievers.

(Gentleman 1 may very well have been the Earl of Malmesbury. For all we know, this is how it actually happened...)