It Probably Went Something Like This

England, 1809. Four well dressed gentleman walk the countryside on a hunting expedition.

Gentleman 1: My good fellows, I'm almost finished with my latest batch of dogs. You will be amazed at their loyalty and affection, and their capacity for absolutely disgusting behavior. Put your orders in now, for they will go fast. And if you have any last minute requests for desired traits or characteristics, please let me know.

Gentleman 2: My brother-in-law has a dog that sniffs butts and licks his own balls. Will you be able top that?

Gentleman 1: Absolutely. My new breed will go well beyond mere butt sniffing and ball licking.

Gentleman 3: I need a dog that will clean up after my cat. Can you breed me a dog that will happily eat cat feces?

Gentleman 1: Consider it done.

Gentleman 4: Well, I certainly want one of these dogs. But I'll be redecorating my hunting lodge next season, and we haven't picked out the tapestries yet. Can you make sure that I'll have a choice of colors?

Gentleman 1: How about if I give a choice of THREE colors?

(All 3 other Gentleman): Ooooh!

Gentleman 2: What about hunting? Will I still be able to take this dog hunting? Or will it only lie about and be disgusting?

Gentleman 1: Do you prefer land hunting or water hunting?

Gentleman 2: Hmmm... How about both?

Gentleman 1: No problem. It will be a Grade A hunter, on both land and water. And yet still lovable. And disgusting.

Gentleman 3: What about vomit? Will it clean up its own vomit? I can't stand watching my servants pick up dog vomit.

Gentleman 1: This dog will LOVE its own vomit.

Gentleman 4: And what of temperament? It must be agreeable.

Gentleman 1: Of course.

Gentleman 2: I have a fallen tree in my back yard that I need ground up into small pieces. Would this amazing animal of yours be able to handle that, too?

Gentleman 1: I believe so. Any other requests? No? OK then. So, just to recap, you want a dog that will hunt, swim, eat its own vomit, clean up cat feces, chew up entire trees, and yet still be lovable and agreeable?

Gentleman 4: Don't forget the colors!

Gentleman 1: ...and come in different colors.

(All 3 Gentleman): Yes!

Gentleman 1: Consider it done.

Gentleman 2: Well, I must say I'm impressed. If you can deliver on half of your promises, surely this will be a dog for the ages.

Gentleman 1: It will be. I'm quite confident I can bring all these traits together in one amazingly disgusting, yet lovable beast.


And so today, that is why the world has Labrador Retrievers.

(Gentleman 1 may very well have been the Earl of Malmesbury. For all we know, this is how it actually happened...)

Timing Is Everything

Here's the two year chart of the stock price of my previous company. As you can see, things haven't gone well since I left.

Either I got out at just the right time, or Wall Street realized that I was the glue holding the whole company together and reacted appropriately.

Because it's nice to get something in the mail...

My annual "Best of" CDs have been sent out. I know I've been saying this for the last few years, but this will really probably be the last year I do this.

If you didn't get one and you think you'd like a copy, drop me a line.

Here's the track list for "The Best of 2006 By P. Canole". Think of this as a countdown, with the songs getting better as you go:

1. Crazy...Gnarls Barkley*
2. Gold Lion...Yeah Yeah Yeahs
3. I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor...Arctic Monkeys
4. Sing Me Spanish Techno...The New Pornographers**
5. The Denial Twist...The White Stripes**
6. You Only Live Once...The Strokes
7. Ticket to Immortality...The Dears
8. Long Way Home...Tom Waits
9. Smile...Lily Allen
10. Fidelity...Regina Spektor
11. There's Always Someone Cooler Than You...Ben Folds
12. Skip to the End...The Futureheads
13. When You Wasn't Famous...The Streets
14. Another Sunny Day...Belle & Sebastian
15. Moving to L.A....Art Brut
16. LDN...Lily Allen
17. Wolf Like Me...TV On the Radio
18. Star Witness...Neko Case


* Yeah, I'm sick of "Crazy", too. But it will age well. Trust me.

** The White Stripes and New Pornographers albums came out in 2005, but these songs were released as singles in January 2006.

Highlander Update

So far, so good. I would definitely buy one again.

We took the Highlander furniture shopping one Saturday morning. We ended up buying a bookcase and few rugs. It wasn't even a challenge loading everything. We just folded the seats down and packed it all up.

I've also been able to take the dog more places. I've been keeping the "travel crate" in the back full time. She tries to jump in the back every time we walk by it now.

Snow Nose


(This would have been a lot cuter if she wasn't being so bad this morning...)

Late one night on Yawkey Way...

Theo: (in between tokes) Guys... How about we put together a $160 million team... with... No closer!

Jed: Dude!

Ben: No way!

Theo: (inhales again, passes to Jed) I'm totally serious. We'll put a great lineup together... With one of the best starting rotations in the league... And just ignore the bullpen entirely.

Jed: Whoa... (takes a big hit). That's fucked up.

Ben: What will we tell people our plan is?

Theo: I don't know... We'll just make it up as we go.

Ben: How 'bout we say "We expect Pineiro or Tavarez to win the closer's job in spring training"?

Theo: Sure. That could work. (cough cough)

Jed: Man, this must be some good shit. I could have sworn I just heard you say Tavarez could be the closer.

Theo: I did.

Jed: You just blew my mind.

Daisy has the March Madness.

Dinner

I've done 5 miles with the dog so far today.

I'm eating whatever I want for dinner tonight.

Take Off, Hosers

Anyone wanna do a trip to Vancouver sometime? I can act as translator. I kinda speak the language.

Morning Walk



Pat: Wasn't that a lovely walk this morning?

Daisy: Oh yes. I wonder if they have any more of that goose poop. Yum.

Fat Man Boxers

We ended up in the Chinese 99 Cent store in Buffalo over the weekend (long story).

It was like a regular dollar store, but with some of the strangest items I've ever seen.

My favorite item was the "Fat Man Boxers" (which were actually some kind of bikini briefs). On the outside of the box was a 300 pound Asian dude in overalls. He's tilting his head slightly and making the "sorry I got so fat" face.

They come in XXL and XXXL.

Hilarious.

I'm kicking myself for not picking up a few boxes as gag gifts.