Postcard from New England.


To all my friends who used to live here...

We've had close to 35 inches of snow this week.

It was 5 degrees yesterday morning.

I had to pump gas at the world's slowest pump.

My nose hairs froze together.

Just thought you'd enjoy hearing about all the things you've been missing...

If this blog gives you an erection lasting more than 4 hours, see your doctor immediately.

Dear President Bush,

We think your Social Security plan is a great idea.

Sincerely,

Nobody.

snowman is an island...

"Hey, who wants to go outside?"

Silence. Giggling.

"C'mon... I only see you guys once a week. Somebody come for a walk with me. Cookie, you want to go for a walk?"

"No way Dude. It's freezing out there."

"Bruno?"

"Nope. I got my sleeping pad right here. I'm comfy. No reason for me to get up. You can scratch my butt if you want, but I'm not going outside."

"OK. Fine. Sarah, you'll come out with me, won't you?"

"What?"

"I said 'You'll come out for a walk with me, won't you?'"

"What?"

Louder this time. "DO YOU WANT TO GO FOR A WALK SARAH?"

Laughing. "Nah, I'm just kidding. I heard you the first time."

"Screw you guys, I'm going to play with the cats."

Dear 24,

Everything OK over there? Make sure you don't let things slip as you get into your later seasons.

Sincerely,

The X-Files.

Best albums of 2004 (in no particular order):

Green Day - American Idiot. I'm sick to death of the first two singles, but this is their best work to date.

U2 - How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb. Every few years, The Edge remembers he can play guitar.

Gwen Stefani - Love, Angel, Music, Baby. I alternate between digging this album, and not liking it very much at all. Today, I'm liking it.

Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand. As my buddy Mike says, "Are they gay? Or are they just Scottish?"

Modest Mouse - Good News for People Who Love Bad News. Starting to get overplayed, but still good. "Catchy" doesn't have to mean "sucky".

AC Newman - The Slow Wonder. More perfect pop from Canada's best songwriter.

The Streets - A Grand Don't Come for Free. I don't have anything to add here.

Nirvana - With the Lights Out. Not the place to start your Nirvana education, but a treat for long time fans. Nevermind came out when I was 16. I was never the same after that.

Pavement - Crooked Rain Crooked Rain: L.A.'s Desert Origins (reissue). Again, for fans only. But some of the best b-sides and rarities ever.

Albums I expected more from:

Elliott Smith - from a basement on the hill
PJ Harvey - Uh Huh Her
The Hives - Tyrannosaurus Hives
REM - Around the Sun

Project Beard

User acceptance testing on Beard 1.0 recently came to a conclusion.

Most commonly heard complaints were "It's so thin on the sides" and "It makes you look fat." (Editorial note - the beard doesn't make me look fat, the fat makes me look fat).

Despite numerous complains, the main objective, keeping my face warm against the Buffalo winter during the Christmas week visit, was successfully met.

Recommendations for next year (Beard 2.0):

1) move project start date up two weeks (planned start date 11/15/2005).

2) find an easier way to dispose of the beard once I'm done with it (I ended up making this face a lot).

Final pictures:

before

during

after.

Dear Poker Craze,

Don't you think you've gone on a little too long?

Sincerely,

Julianne Moore's nude scene in "Short Cuts"

Serendipity

"Hey... a bird pooped all over your window."

"Ewww... Gross."

"No! That's good luck!"

She wasn't believing me on this one. Oh well.

We continued on with our shopping errands. It had been a long Saturday of shopping already. One quick stop at the grocery store and we'd be finished.

We grabbed what we needed quickly then came back out. And then the car wouldn't start.

Actually, the key wouldn't even turn.

What the hell?

Dammit! My waffles are melting.

After 15 minutes of monkeying with it, we called a cab (and it took 4 calls before we found a taxi service that would come to our area). The taxi driver was something right out of a Coen Brothers movie. Thankfully, we didn't have to ask him to turn down The Eagles.

Now, Jen's car is a ten year-old Camry. It's been very dependable for us. But if you look closely, it's starting to show a few signs of aging. The key we were using looked pretty worn. Our thinking was that we'd get a ride back home, put the frozen foods away, and drive back out in my car with a newer key.

It's late by this point. The store is about to close. We rush back out.

"What do we do if this doesn't work?"

"Well, we'll come back for it in the morning. And we'll either call a locksmith or get it towed to the dealership."

Neither idea sounds like a great way to spend a Sunday. But I'm staying positive. It's nobody's fault. Nothing that could have been prevented.

We drive back out to the store and try it with the new key. And it still wouldn't turn. Grrrrr. Now what do we do?

Jen went and grabbed the guy in the parking lot gathering up carts. They had already locked the front door.

"Hey, we've got a disabled vehicle here. Is it OK if we leave it here overnight?"

"What's the problem?"

"The key won't turn."

"Mind if I give it a try?"

"Sure, knock yourself out."

Then he jumped in the car. And gave the steering wheel a quarter turn to the right. Then turned the key and started the car.

"Hey... How'd you do that?"

"I'm a mechanic. And I drive a Toyota myself."

Wow. This guy rules. Was there anyone in the entire universe who would have been more useful to us at that point?

So, to answer the "call a locksmith or call the dealership?" question, you flag down the guy in the parking lot putting carts away.

And I told you the bird poop thing was good luck.

Buffalo Pics

Here's some pictures from our Christmas visit to Buffalo (in no particular order and unified by no particular theme).

Bird in the Window

Niagara Falls at Night

Falls on the Other Side

Industrial Building

Snowy Street

I came across this picture last week. It reminds me of summer.

I can almost feel the sun on my face...

Delilah

One of the newer cats at the pound is Delilah.

On her paperwork, under "weight", it just says "big".

I thought that was hysterical.

Hi. My name is Pat. It's been 8 days since I spent money on something I didn't need.

How Deep Is Your Love? (or "Oh, the people I've met...")

It's 7:30 on a Saturday night. I'm in a large, poorly lit room with 16-foot ceilings on the second floor of a strange building in Cranston. Music is blasting from the corner of the room. I'm learning the hustle with several middle-aged couples.

The men line up on one side of the room. The women line up on the other. After practicing each step a few times, the women rotate to the next man in line. Regular rotation prevents you from developing any bad habits by working with only one partner. It also makes for awkward small talk.

Middle aged woman: Did you used to do the hustle when you were younger?

Me: Umm... I AM younger.

Whoa? How did I end up here again?

Rewind to September. My fiancee Jen has signed us up for a ballroom dance class ("I wanna dance at our wedding. It'll be FUN!"). I'm not crazy about the idea, but I don't put up too much resistance (and I'm not the stereotypical "I don't like to try anything new" kinda guy, it's just that I have no background with this sort of thing). At the very least, I figure it'll be nice to spend some time together.

It wasn't hard core dance lessons; just an adult ed class being run by the town. I was a little anxious about the first class (granted, I'm "a little anxious" about most things in life). Not owning dance shoes, I settled for something comfortable and supportive (at least my feet should be comfortable).

Seven or eight couples show up (with two women coming by themselves). Most of them are in their 40's or 50's, with one other young couple. The other young guy shows up to the first class wearing a t-shirt that says "I'm bored." Ahh, the power of positive thinking.

We learned waltz and swing first. Then we added cha-cha and foxtrot. And you know what? It actually wasn't that bad. We were one of the better couples in the class. Maybe that's a little bit like saying you kicked a retarded kid's ass in chess, but we did enjoy ourselves out there.

Dance is one of the last bastions of political incorrectness. Well, at least ballroom dancing is. The men lead and the women follow. That's just how it is. Most of the men in class don't seem to have a problem with this. It takes some of the women a while to adjust.

Back to the present. We've finished the 8 week course. Now Jen has us going out to actual dances on Saturday nights. This one had a pre-dance lesson on the hustle. We're going out to a dance... in public... with other people... Again, I have no idea what to expect.

At the urging of our instructor, some people from our class show up. Others couples are at varying stages in their dance skills. Once couple looks like they've done this professionally. The whole floor clears out for them on a few numbers. I can't tell if they're trying to impress us, or if this is just some strange kind of foreplay for them.

The wedding is in May. Hopefully, we won't have forgotten too much by then. We may even sign up for the intermediate course in the spring.

Ou sont le prophylactics?

One more Buffalo story... We took the drive over to the Canadian side of Niagara Falls for a little shopping adventure the day before we left Buffalo. We stopped at Canadian Tire (which, of course, carries not only tires... but other necessities like toasters, snow shovels, and hockey sticks) and Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart in Canada is mostly the same as Wal-Mart here. But the little differences are jarring. Their items, remarkable similar to those available in the States, claim to be "Made in Canada." There are little maple leafs all over the place. And things like your licensed Homer Simpson t-shirt comes in both English and French.

Codeine is an over-the-counter drug in Canada. They sell it at Wal-Mart. Or so I've heard.

While I was in the pharmacy department, I also noticed a cute little blonde girl buying two giant boxes of condoms (like, the big, 36 pack boxes). At least I know now what Canadians are doing to keep warm this winter. You need to find something to do with no hockey.

Pop Quiz

What got caught in Pat's beard last week?

A) cat hair

B) Jen hair

C) beer

D) coffee

E) all of the above


The correct answer is "E".