Hey yo... That's my jam!

I call this one "Bread Aisle at Target (So Sad)"

Unplanned Daddy Wednesday - Barfies Edition

10:34  I get The Call from daycare.  Kid #2.  Full on barfies.  Daycare, why don't you ever call just to say "hi"?  Or see how I'm doing?  Why is it always bad news?

11:00 I get to daycare and he's napping.  Should I leave him?  Go do some shopping and come back?  Nope, they're about test the fire alarm.  That would have been a short, angry nap.

I convince Kid #1 to stay at school and I'll come get him early.  This is a very delicate negotiation.  Would I like to have some extra time with him at home?  Absolutely.  But if I'm going to be cleaning up barfies, it'll be easier to only have 1 kid at home.

11:25 Made it home.  Read "Dog" twice.  Got a few sips of water in him.  Thankfully, he's not unpleasant.  Just a little out of it.  He goes down for a nap relatively easily.

11:45 Open up the Barfy Clothes Bag.  Whoa.  The scent knocks me back.  The front of his clothes are *completely* covered.  Again... The utility sink saves the day.,

12:30  Still sleeping.  Should I let him sleep?  I should probably let him sleep.  Is he going to be hungry when he wakes up?

12:35 Hey Dummy... Why don't you feed yourself while he's still sleeping?

12:45 Per Wife's orders, I Lysol everything.  Even the hand sanitizer.

12:50 I watch a Twilight Zone episode.  This is the one where the main character gets their wish and nothing at all bad happens to them.

1:05 Back awake.  And... He's pleasant!  He takes in trace amounts of water and Pedialyte

1:10 Why is the dog having a spazz attack?

1:12 Apparently she needed to go roll around in the snow RIGHT NOW.

1:30 Little Guy is napping on me now.  Parents always say stuff like "I wish *I* could get this instead of them" when one of the kids is sick.  But we all know it doesn't work that way.  Your best case scenario is that nobody else gets it and it's over quickly.

2:25 Wake and barf.  Some of it made it to the bucket!

2:30 - 3:00 Cleanup.

3:05 I worry that I might be coming down with it, too.  I call in reinforcements.

4:15 Everyone home now.  Another round of barfing from the Little Guy.  This time, ALL of it makes it into the bucket.

4:30 He's drinking something now.  This is an improvement.

5:10 More barfies.

5:15 Diaper is wet.  Good sign.

5:27 And now the dog is barfing.  OH HELL NO.  Thankfully there is another adult here now to help (Hi Honey!)

5:40 Whole bunch more barfing.  Is this the last of it?  I hope this is the last of it.

6:50 Little Guy appears to be hungry for basic foods.  He appears to be making a come back.  Outstanding.

8:20 The Small People are in bed. We seem to have achieved a relative level of stability.  As of this writing, I have not come down with anything myself.  And everything has been coated with three layers of Lysol.

Jenkins

Jenkins!  Get in my office!

Sir?

Jenkins... I'm looking at the report you turned in... And I'm not impressed.

Sorry, Sir.  What seems to be the problem?

This planet you recommended for invasion... Isn't it 70% water?

Yes, Sir.

SEVENTY.  PERCENT.  WATER.

Sir?

And aren't we, as a species, mortally wounded by water?

Ahhhh... Right.  I had completely forgot all about that.

I'm mean... C'mon... We're talking about a full scale PLANETARY INVASION here.  You don't just wing it.  A lot of planning has to go into these things. Pay attention to the chemistry and composition reports next time.

Yes, Sir.  Sorry Sir.

What will the humans think of us if we invade a planet then have to turn around simply because we can't handle what appears to be one of their most abundant resources?

Not very much, Sir.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were trying to make me look bad.

...Not if You Want Him to Help You.

"I know a man...  A man that can help you.  This man... He makes problems like yours go away. Go downtown.   Bring cash.  To the 5500 block of Main Street.  After the nail place but before the coffee place, there's a door between the two. If you weren't looking for it, you'd walk right past it.  Look for a sign on a door that says 'Froggy'.  Knock twice... then wait.  Oh... And one more thing... Don't ask him about the name.  At least not if you want him to help you."

20 pounds

I lost 20 pounds over two years.  After being 185 most of my adult life, I'm now at 165 (actually, a little under...).  I feel better.  I feel stronger.  I feel faster.  My knees don't hurt like they used to.

Here's what worked for me:

1) Eat better.

2) Run.

3) Lift weights.

The biggest hurdle for me was getting over the "I can't lose weight", "My body just wants to be this size", "I'm on the wrong side of 30" kind of negative thinking.  Just put all that behind you.

Don't try to lose 20 pounds in a month.  It's probably not healthy or sustainable.

Weigh yourself once a week.  Write it down.

Eat like a grownup.  Get used to smaller portions.  Lay off the sugar.  Lay off the soda.  Get enough protein.  Eat fruits and vegetables.  Eat nuts.  Eat oatmeal.  Don't eat too much after dinner (unless you're working out late).  And... Lay off the sugar.  Seriously.

I give myself a cheat day once a week where I don't necessarily go crazy, but I'm a little less restrictive.

Run - Resist the urge to let yourself eat whatever you want because you're running.  I had a hard time with that.

Lift - Muscle burns calories just being there.  Plus it looks badass.  A.B.S. - Always be squatting.  You've got lots of big muscles in your legs.  Use them.

The biggest drawback is that all my pants are too big now.  I can't really leave the house without wearing a belt.

I'm not done yet.  I've still got some tighting up to do.  But I felt like the 20 pounds milestone was worth mentioning.

Go home, Fence. You're drunk.

At The Gym...

(Two guys in their 40s.  Shouting to each other from 8 feet apart.)


GUY 1: YOU GONNA WORK ON TRIs?

GUY 2: HUH?

GUY 1: YOU GONNA WORK ON TRIs?

GUY 2: YEAH, I'M GONNA WORK ON TRIs.

GUY 1: I'M GONNA WORK ON TRIs NOW.

GUY 2: YOU GONNA WORK ON TRIs NOW?

GUY 1: YEAH.

GUY 2: OK.


The lesson here - make sure everyone in the room knows what you're working on at all times.

Closing Ceremonies

Whatever Fatboy Slim was on last Sunday night must have been AWESOME.

He looked like he was having the best time of anyone there.

Junior Food Critic

Kid #1: I don't want to eat what you're making for dinner. It smells dreadful.

Me: Well, I'm disappointed in your eating choices but I'm impressed with your vocabulary.